When I was first asked about going on the trip to Southern Sudan, I did not realize that I would have to complete an application. I received an email from Geoff Ashley on June 30, 2009 asking me if I what I had decided about the trip. That is when I learned about the application. Geoff said, "If you are interested go on and fill out the application ... The trip name is Sudan III."
Filling out an application is not a new thing for me. Over the years I have had my share. My wife and I had just completed a very detailed application required by our church in order to become home group leaders. I knew from that experience that there would be nothing simply about the application for the trip called "Sudan III." I was not disappointed.
When I looked at the mission trip application required by our church, I knew that I had a new problem. My first thought when I read over the application for the first time was that I would not be able to complete it in time. In fact it was already past time to submit the application. I was not sure what effect that would have. Filling out the application would require thought and I was not sure how much thought I could provide at that time. I had just about used up my thinking in making the decision to go. Of course, I was still thinking largely in terms of "me." I do have to say, though, that part of my concern was related to being sure this was what God wanted. I will address that aspect later; but, for now, I can just say that it did account for some of my concerns.
I knew that our church had a lot of mission trips; but I never realized what was involved in going on one of those trips. I quickly learned though that there was nothing casual about the process or the "vetting." Now that I had decided to go, I was not sure how things would work out once my application was considered. Initially, beyond putting my name in the application, I was at a loss as to how to properly fill it out. I am looking the application again as I write and remembering how blank my mind was the day that I first looked at the application.
The first thing staring me in the face was "Passport Information." Filling that part out would be easy because I didn't have a passport. I had know idea at that point how long it would take to get one or if I could get it in time for the purchase of tickets. There was a section in the application about ministry participation and then a whole page about medical information. I was in good health but I didn't know how my age would be weighed. I knew that I needed to talk to a doctor about the matter. I later did and his first reaction was, "We need to get you set up for a stress test right away." I guess health and age was a factor. It turned out that I had taken a stress test in February 2009 and had received great results. Health was a factor; but thankfully I was fine and as it turned out I never had any health problems while in Sudan or after my return.
Next was a section on my overseas experience and ability to speak foreign languages. That answer would be simple - "None." I had never been outside the United States and could not speak a foreign language. I didn't figure the Latin that I had studied in college would count. I would also be required to express in writing my personal testimony. I was given a page and a half to do that; but eventually only used half of page. I was not sure how a whole blank page would look. Another question was "How is God at work in your life now?" That caused some concern because of the struggle I was having about going on this trip. In looking back at the application, I had written a question that could have raised doubts. I had said, "Why after all these years have I been asked to be part of the presentation and teaching of the gospel to people on the other side of the world?" I haven't fully answered that because I am still learning, but even if I don't come up with a full answer, I am satisfied just to say, "Thank you, Lord. What a blessing." I am praying that it will be more than that and that one day I can fully see how God used this trip and time of teaching for His glory. I turned another page in the application, and it didn't get easier. "Tell us more about your passions, talents, work experiences, unique skills, cross cultural experiences and anything else that has shaped who you are." At that moment I knew that I wanted people to have a clear understanding of the gospel in terms of living because that is what I wanted. I thought, "Maybe I can answer that one." I skipped to the next series of questions - "What have been some of the defining moments of your life" and what "cross-cultural experiences have you had?" "What do you believe is the biblical purpose/goal of global missions?" "Why/how do you feel God is leading you in this trip overseas?" The questions just got deeper and deeper and I was pressed for time. By then I was feeling the pressure.
I guess that once again I was wanting an easy route and way through this. I knew that I was going to have to start thinking at a different level. I was also going to have to trusting God at a different level. I was starting to realize more and more that I really needed to turn to God in all of this. I also had a sense that maybe I had waited too late to do that. I was left with heavy weight on me. Had I sacrificed obedience for struggle and doubt? Had I listened to "Adam the First" too long? Had my delay really been retreat and had I crossed the line of going farther with God? Through out that day and evening I would try to fill out the application; but I drew an absolute blank on these questions. Guess what? I still had not quit trying in my own effort. I should have spent the day in prayer instead of trying to escape the reality that I would not be able to do this on my own. When I went to bed that evening, I did not sleep. I don't think I ever closed my eyes. I started praying; but even that was a struggle. I had decided to go but I could very well still sink the whole thing over the application. I am not sure what all God was letting me experience in this step of the process; but it was agonizing. What I needed the most at that time was to just give up on my own ability and admit that I couldn't do it without Him. Why has that been my struggle so much of my life?
I say I had decided to go on the trip, but I still had thoughts that maybe I wouldn't get to go. I also knew that God was not closing the door - yet. I was coming to the point of being troubled that after weeks of struggle, I might not get to go. I don't know if Josh Patterson, our Executive Pastor, was preparing me for that possibility. After I submitted the application, Josh told me that if it worked out for some reason that I couldn't go then maybe I could help the team in some other way.
After that sleepless night, I remember going to my desk at 5 AM the next morning and thinking "What am I going to do. It can't end like this." This was Thursday. The first meeting was on Sunday. I was far behind the curve. I had an early breakfast meeting with my friend, Dr. Steve Glaser. He and I lead a men's Bible study group and we were meeting to talk about that. Before I left home that morning, I sent Josh Patterson a note expressing some of the struggle I was having. Later, at breakfast, I told Dr. Steve Glaser, for the first time, about the trip and my concerns - especially about the physical aspects considering my age. We talked about a number of things concerning the trip; but one response he made that I won't ever forget was when he said, "Look at it this way. What is the worse that could happen to you?" I laughed and said, "That is one thing that I am thinking about." But I did begin to think about what he had just said in a much broader sense. I realized that the worse things that I had been thinking about included a bucket list of thoughts not worth pursuing and that the worse thing was not the worse thing. The worse thing would have been not to go. When I got home around 7:30 AM, a weight had started to lift. It was like the first ray of peace began to shine into my situation. I found that I had received a reply from Josh Patterson. His son had been sick and he was up at 5 AM that morning, as well, when my email came. He was able to reply immediately. With his response, my talk to Dr. Glaser and more talk with my wife, Betty, that morning, things began to come into focus.
For the first time I could actually do some clear thinking. They all had been encouraging me, in essence, to press forward in the Spirit's strength. Josh spoke in terms of putting off the old and putting on the new and of mortifying those things that were dragging me down and hindering a heart felt response. I recently asked Josh whether I should write about this struggle. The heart of his response echoed the words that he wrote to me the morning of July 9, 2009. He said, "I definitely think your writing needs to include the challenges to obedience and how this process exposed areas of your life. The vast majority of people who read this will identify with the struggle to obey and get to see how the Lord is faithful and gracious in it. They will see the process for what it is…a process. None of us are complete yet and certainly nobody is “finished”. So, we press on and see the love of the Lord and patience of His hand as He chisels and molds us into the image of His Son." For the first time on the morning of July 9, 2009 I had a peace that I had not had. The guilt that I was feeling over my struggle in the process began to lift. I knew that I had to take the baggage of fear, pride, concern about my reasons for going, physical concerns, financial concerns and get honest before God. I told Betty, I think, for the first time, at least in confidence and peace, that I wanted to go. It was becoming more and more a heart-work thing for me. I even felt that all I had been through was part of the process of preparation for the trip. I still had to pray, though, that I would not carry any unnecessary baggage with me. I am not referring to the 33 lbs limit on physical baggage that we were under. I immediately began to work on the application and within an hour it was completed. That in itself was a miracle. In fact, words were coming so fast that I had trouble typing fast enough. It was just one more gracious indicator that I was moving in the right direction. But the battle wasn't over. In fact, it will never be over this side of heaven. I was about to be reminded of that and those reminders would keep coming - not to drag me down - but to keep me heaven bound in my thinking - to keep me moving forward in dependence upon God. At times, though, I could still hear the call of "Adam the First." He never gives up.
“Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®, copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.”
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
An Encounter with "Adam the First"
I would like to be writing these words about the events leading up to the journey of a life time as Mr. Faith. Instead, my life for the next three or four weeks after Geoff Ashley first spoke to me about the trip to Southern Sudan, was one of struggle. As a rule, when it comes to making some decisions I will give the matter some thought. Sometimes this process can occur very quickly and at other times, it is a slower. The decision about going to Sudan was going to be one a more thought out decisions. I wanted to have a sense that this is what God wanted me to do. So far so good. It is good to have a sense of calling. It is good to "stand still" and make sure about the ground you are standing on. However, this approach is not without risks. The first problem was not turning immediately to God in prayer and opening my heart for Him to work. Instead, I began to focus my thoughts on me. Fear, pride, a sense of loss regarding the financial cost of the trip and ultimately a sense of inadequacy concerning my role in the teaching mission became the rule of the day. These and other things began to complicate the process.
Throughout my life I have had to fight against taking the more comfortable way. I have also tended to sell myself short - another battle that I fight from time to time. These self directed thoughts were starting to gain a foothold. They will do that if we are not alert. I realize now that I really didn't get started with God. But that is where God always starts and sooner or later that will have to be acknowledged.
It is strange that after all these years, I can still be naive when it comes to how God works in a person's life. I know that He can and will call you out. "Do you really mean what you are saying?" "You have just made some critical statements about your life. Do you mean that?" "Are you going to obey in faith or retreat in fear or concern for yourself?" "Are you going to go on this trip to Sudan out of fear or in dependence upon Me?" "Do you really want things to be different in your life?" Self has been my problem through out my Christian life. I don't think that is unique with me. But here I was on the threshold of a real breakthrough in my life and self was once again trying to rule and reign. I know that for some this matter of going to Southern Sudan would not have been a struggle. I know also that what is a struggle for one person may not be a struggle for someone else. Given the right set of facts, I don't think anyone is free from struggle - at least some areas. This decision that I faced was a struggle for me. The more I wrestled with it or tried to ignore it, the more of a struggle it became. There were a number of undercurrents at work. It took me a while to realize what they were and admit that they were at work. Much about all this became clearer in retrospect. One of the first undercurrents to gain a foothold related to my own ill defined zone of comfortable obedience. I never realized how tight my grip actually was on that aspects of my life. This was true even though I was wanting things to happen in my walk with God that went far beyond anything I could ever achieve through my own effort. I was wanting things far beyond any previous comfort level that had existed in my life. Yet here I was wanting God to give me so much more in terms of life with Him but I was reaching out with a closed hand. There can be so much subtly in and around our resolve unless God shines His light on your life. When that starts to happen, God will start revealing things in your life that you thought you had resolved. He can use a matter like the one that was confronting me over the trip to Sudan. I was going to have to decide how serious I was about my walk with God. It would not be an academic or theoretical decision. God had just cast all of this into a real life situation.
I have started reading John Bunyan's book, "The Pilgrim's Progress." I hate to confess that I have never read the book. I bought it to take with me on the trip to Africa; but never could find it amid the small amount of belongings that I was able to take with me. Strange. I went through my briefcase several times looking for it. I had all of those travel hours that I could have read it since I wasn't sleeping any; but I never found it until a few days ago. I found it among the things I had taken to Sudan. Stranger still. I started reading through the book and came to the part where the reader is introduced to "Faithful." There is a dialog between "Faithful" and "Christian" where "Faithful" speaks of meeting a man at the foot of the hill called "Difficulty." The "very aged man" asked if "Faithful" would be content to dwell with him. The "old man" said his name was "Adam the First." This sounded awfully like what was happening in my life. When I was confronted with the invitation to go to Southern Sudan, it was like I found myself standing at the foot of the hill, mentioned in Bunyan's story, called "Difficulty." "Adam the First" was bidding me to be content to dwell with him. But another one, not recognizable at first, the One for whom "Adam the First" was but a type, Jesus Christ, was also standing there gently urging me forward. While I heard nothing audible and was not even aware of this at the time, I know that I was being urged on. That has to be the reason I kept going. So there I was. Whose bidding would I follow? Whose voice would I heed?
I know now that the struggle I faced was not about going to Africa. The issue went much deeper. It is easy to focus on surface issues as I was doing; but beneath the surface there is always the spiritual. God is constantly calling us closer and closer to Himself - constantly confronting us with where we are and where He wants us to be. That is where I had, by earlier pronouncements, wanted to go. His call to continue the process toward maturity will take many forms. For me, it involved a teaching mission to Yei, Sudan. The real call was a call from self to Himself - to press on toward the high calling. When that call comes, you would think "I will be like "Faithful." "I will refuse to be inclined to hear the call of 'Adam the First.'" But we are all prone to listen to "Adam the First" and he knows exactly how to speak in a way that we will listen. I was listening. Figuratively speaking, he spoke the words he knew would get my attention and keep me from hearing, at least for a while, the voice of Christ. In a way I am sorry that all of this unfolded as it did; but because of God's mercy, I got to see something of His glory and grace as He chiseled away at the grip I had on my life - a pull that was keeping me earthbound and keeping me from the all sufficiency of His grace.
It is interesting to look at the thoughts that come during critical moments in our walk with God - thoughts aimed at keeping us earthbound in our journey. When Geoff Ashley spoke to me about the trip to Africa, I got a sinking feeling. I thought, "Why did I say anything to him about teaching?" At first, I tried to put the thought out of my mind; but a number of questions began to pop into my mind. "Why would I, as a 72 year old be asked to go on a trip like this?" "What could I do?" "Can't I better serve by helping others in other ways?" I almost made that statement to him; but kept silent. "What could happen to me physically?" "How could Betty and I financially afford to do this?" This was a big one. We had been making some financial plans and the $3000 to $4000 costs for this trip would go a long way in helping us meet those plans. The financial cost loomed large at that point especially since my work does not permit me to ask for financial help. On several occasions when I would mention the cost, Betty would say, "If this is what God wants for us the money doesn't matter." But truthfully, it was mattering to me and that bothered me. Again, in looking back, I realize that God had already been preparing her for this moment. Eventually God would work me through that issue to the point that I would not see it as a financial loss. I would see it as gain beyond anything financial.
I had other nagging concerns. There were all those statements I had made about wanting a new direction for my life. There were statements about not wanting to retire in my walk with God. I had said a number of times that I didn't want my life to become one of enjoying the place called "the comforts of my age." I was very bothered by the fact that all this "good resolve" could be just talk. In Bunyan's allegory there is always the possibility of being like "Talkative" - like those described in Matthew 23:3 as "They say, and do not" or "They preach, but do not practice." John Bunyan had this to say about those who are just talk:
Such talk can come from a true desire to walk and dwell deeply with God; but it can also proceed from pride or easily be left to the operation of the flesh or "Adam the First." I was leaning toward "wane he goes" and about to miss the experience of "heart-work." I know that was happening because I tried to put Geoff's question out of my mind rather than face the issues that it had raised in my life. I wasn't even trying to think it through or commit it to God. I thought, if I hear nothing else about this, then maybe I won't have to decide or maybe he wasn't really asking me. That seemed to be the course of things. I heard nothing else for several weeks. I began to relax. Then on June 30, 2009, Geoff sent me an email and asked me again about going. He said, "I was not sure how interested you were in the Sudan trip, but I just wanted to give you some details regardless. The dates are October 5-17th. If you are interested, go on and fill out the application. The trip name is Sudan III." So there it was - no escape. I had to decide.
I wasn't entirely sure how Betty would react if I decided to go; but, as I have said, she was way ahead of me. In fact, she was gently encouraging me to go. I am not sure what it would have been like had she not had this peace about it. I am glad that I didn't get to find out. As word got out to some about me being asked to go on the trip, they were encouraging me to go and talking about it as the experience of a lifetime. That was not helping me at the time. It was only making me more acutely aware of the struggle and how different talk and action can be. Guilt was knocking at the door. So here I was having just proclaimed that I wanted Jesus Christ to be my passion and priority. I wanted to treasure the sight of His glory by faith. I wanted a Holy Spirit led life of obedience. I said that I wanted His life to be a refreshing drink to my thirsty soul and that I wanted to live the essence of the gospel. I hate to think that my life could come down to just talk. This clearly left me with two choices. I could either go on the trip and move forward in my walk with God or I could retreat and forever lose, no doubt, what God had been preparing me for all these years. Just one more step; one more step. There actually was a third choice. I could go but for the wrong reasons. I could go out of fear. I could go to impress others that someone my age would do this. That troubled me even more. Too much was involved for me to go in that manner. Either way I decided, I knew it would involve surrender - either to fear or to trust - to self or to God. At that moment I was not sure how I would decide or maybe I did know, but I was not to the point where it would have been a willing, joyful surrender. I am thankful that this did come later, but at that point the battle was joined. What would my surrender look like? Would I move forward or retreat? Would I move forward in faith or fear? Would I decline to go because of fear or would I go because of fear? Would my concern for financial cost win the day? Stir into that mix a little pride in being asked to go and you have the makings of a mess. I did not want to deal with all of this; but now it was full blown.
It still bothers me now that I had these thoughts and that it got so out of hand; but I can't deny that is what happened. I would have much rather been "Faithful" and have jumped right in without any hesitation. It is obvious though that I had much to learn before that time came. I would much rather have been writing about an instant willingness to obey. Instead I was trying to live out a new version of the tale of Jonah. I knew there was some progress being made because as I got closer to deciding to go, I was convicted that if I went, it had to be for the right reasons. I was concerned that it would not be. I was concerned that it might be the same old fear response that had so often characterized my life. Regardless of what was happening or would happen, I just kept moving forward. That brought me to the mission trip application required by our church - something I had not expected. I just assumed that when I decided to go that would be it. Not so. There was the application. As Geoff said, "It is called Sudan III." By now the deadline for the application had passed.
“Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®, copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.”
Throughout my life I have had to fight against taking the more comfortable way. I have also tended to sell myself short - another battle that I fight from time to time. These self directed thoughts were starting to gain a foothold. They will do that if we are not alert. I realize now that I really didn't get started with God. But that is where God always starts and sooner or later that will have to be acknowledged.
It is strange that after all these years, I can still be naive when it comes to how God works in a person's life. I know that He can and will call you out. "Do you really mean what you are saying?" "You have just made some critical statements about your life. Do you mean that?" "Are you going to obey in faith or retreat in fear or concern for yourself?" "Are you going to go on this trip to Sudan out of fear or in dependence upon Me?" "Do you really want things to be different in your life?" Self has been my problem through out my Christian life. I don't think that is unique with me. But here I was on the threshold of a real breakthrough in my life and self was once again trying to rule and reign. I know that for some this matter of going to Southern Sudan would not have been a struggle. I know also that what is a struggle for one person may not be a struggle for someone else. Given the right set of facts, I don't think anyone is free from struggle - at least some areas. This decision that I faced was a struggle for me. The more I wrestled with it or tried to ignore it, the more of a struggle it became. There were a number of undercurrents at work. It took me a while to realize what they were and admit that they were at work. Much about all this became clearer in retrospect. One of the first undercurrents to gain a foothold related to my own ill defined zone of comfortable obedience. I never realized how tight my grip actually was on that aspects of my life. This was true even though I was wanting things to happen in my walk with God that went far beyond anything I could ever achieve through my own effort. I was wanting things far beyond any previous comfort level that had existed in my life. Yet here I was wanting God to give me so much more in terms of life with Him but I was reaching out with a closed hand. There can be so much subtly in and around our resolve unless God shines His light on your life. When that starts to happen, God will start revealing things in your life that you thought you had resolved. He can use a matter like the one that was confronting me over the trip to Sudan. I was going to have to decide how serious I was about my walk with God. It would not be an academic or theoretical decision. God had just cast all of this into a real life situation.
I have started reading John Bunyan's book, "The Pilgrim's Progress." I hate to confess that I have never read the book. I bought it to take with me on the trip to Africa; but never could find it amid the small amount of belongings that I was able to take with me. Strange. I went through my briefcase several times looking for it. I had all of those travel hours that I could have read it since I wasn't sleeping any; but I never found it until a few days ago. I found it among the things I had taken to Sudan. Stranger still. I started reading through the book and came to the part where the reader is introduced to "Faithful." There is a dialog between "Faithful" and "Christian" where "Faithful" speaks of meeting a man at the foot of the hill called "Difficulty." The "very aged man" asked if "Faithful" would be content to dwell with him. The "old man" said his name was "Adam the First." This sounded awfully like what was happening in my life. When I was confronted with the invitation to go to Southern Sudan, it was like I found myself standing at the foot of the hill, mentioned in Bunyan's story, called "Difficulty." "Adam the First" was bidding me to be content to dwell with him. But another one, not recognizable at first, the One for whom "Adam the First" was but a type, Jesus Christ, was also standing there gently urging me forward. While I heard nothing audible and was not even aware of this at the time, I know that I was being urged on. That has to be the reason I kept going. So there I was. Whose bidding would I follow? Whose voice would I heed?
I know now that the struggle I faced was not about going to Africa. The issue went much deeper. It is easy to focus on surface issues as I was doing; but beneath the surface there is always the spiritual. God is constantly calling us closer and closer to Himself - constantly confronting us with where we are and where He wants us to be. That is where I had, by earlier pronouncements, wanted to go. His call to continue the process toward maturity will take many forms. For me, it involved a teaching mission to Yei, Sudan. The real call was a call from self to Himself - to press on toward the high calling. When that call comes, you would think "I will be like "Faithful." "I will refuse to be inclined to hear the call of 'Adam the First.'" But we are all prone to listen to "Adam the First" and he knows exactly how to speak in a way that we will listen. I was listening. Figuratively speaking, he spoke the words he knew would get my attention and keep me from hearing, at least for a while, the voice of Christ. In a way I am sorry that all of this unfolded as it did; but because of God's mercy, I got to see something of His glory and grace as He chiseled away at the grip I had on my life - a pull that was keeping me earthbound and keeping me from the all sufficiency of His grace.
It is interesting to look at the thoughts that come during critical moments in our walk with God - thoughts aimed at keeping us earthbound in our journey. When Geoff Ashley spoke to me about the trip to Africa, I got a sinking feeling. I thought, "Why did I say anything to him about teaching?" At first, I tried to put the thought out of my mind; but a number of questions began to pop into my mind. "Why would I, as a 72 year old be asked to go on a trip like this?" "What could I do?" "Can't I better serve by helping others in other ways?" I almost made that statement to him; but kept silent. "What could happen to me physically?" "How could Betty and I financially afford to do this?" This was a big one. We had been making some financial plans and the $3000 to $4000 costs for this trip would go a long way in helping us meet those plans. The financial cost loomed large at that point especially since my work does not permit me to ask for financial help. On several occasions when I would mention the cost, Betty would say, "If this is what God wants for us the money doesn't matter." But truthfully, it was mattering to me and that bothered me. Again, in looking back, I realize that God had already been preparing her for this moment. Eventually God would work me through that issue to the point that I would not see it as a financial loss. I would see it as gain beyond anything financial.
I had other nagging concerns. There were all those statements I had made about wanting a new direction for my life. There were statements about not wanting to retire in my walk with God. I had said a number of times that I didn't want my life to become one of enjoying the place called "the comforts of my age." I was very bothered by the fact that all this "good resolve" could be just talk. In Bunyan's allegory there is always the possibility of being like "Talkative" - like those described in Matthew 23:3 as "They say, and do not" or "They preach, but do not practice." John Bunyan had this to say about those who are just talk:
How Talkative at first lifts up his plumes!
How bravely doth he speak! How he presumes
To drive down all before him! But so soon
As Faithful talks of heart-work, like the moon
That's past the full, into the wane he goes;
And so will all but he that heart-work knows.
Such talk can come from a true desire to walk and dwell deeply with God; but it can also proceed from pride or easily be left to the operation of the flesh or "Adam the First." I was leaning toward "wane he goes" and about to miss the experience of "heart-work." I know that was happening because I tried to put Geoff's question out of my mind rather than face the issues that it had raised in my life. I wasn't even trying to think it through or commit it to God. I thought, if I hear nothing else about this, then maybe I won't have to decide or maybe he wasn't really asking me. That seemed to be the course of things. I heard nothing else for several weeks. I began to relax. Then on June 30, 2009, Geoff sent me an email and asked me again about going. He said, "I was not sure how interested you were in the Sudan trip, but I just wanted to give you some details regardless. The dates are October 5-17th. If you are interested, go on and fill out the application. The trip name is Sudan III." So there it was - no escape. I had to decide.
I wasn't entirely sure how Betty would react if I decided to go; but, as I have said, she was way ahead of me. In fact, she was gently encouraging me to go. I am not sure what it would have been like had she not had this peace about it. I am glad that I didn't get to find out. As word got out to some about me being asked to go on the trip, they were encouraging me to go and talking about it as the experience of a lifetime. That was not helping me at the time. It was only making me more acutely aware of the struggle and how different talk and action can be. Guilt was knocking at the door. So here I was having just proclaimed that I wanted Jesus Christ to be my passion and priority. I wanted to treasure the sight of His glory by faith. I wanted a Holy Spirit led life of obedience. I said that I wanted His life to be a refreshing drink to my thirsty soul and that I wanted to live the essence of the gospel. I hate to think that my life could come down to just talk. This clearly left me with two choices. I could either go on the trip and move forward in my walk with God or I could retreat and forever lose, no doubt, what God had been preparing me for all these years. Just one more step; one more step. There actually was a third choice. I could go but for the wrong reasons. I could go out of fear. I could go to impress others that someone my age would do this. That troubled me even more. Too much was involved for me to go in that manner. Either way I decided, I knew it would involve surrender - either to fear or to trust - to self or to God. At that moment I was not sure how I would decide or maybe I did know, but I was not to the point where it would have been a willing, joyful surrender. I am thankful that this did come later, but at that point the battle was joined. What would my surrender look like? Would I move forward or retreat? Would I move forward in faith or fear? Would I decline to go because of fear or would I go because of fear? Would my concern for financial cost win the day? Stir into that mix a little pride in being asked to go and you have the makings of a mess. I did not want to deal with all of this; but now it was full blown.
It still bothers me now that I had these thoughts and that it got so out of hand; but I can't deny that is what happened. I would have much rather been "Faithful" and have jumped right in without any hesitation. It is obvious though that I had much to learn before that time came. I would much rather have been writing about an instant willingness to obey. Instead I was trying to live out a new version of the tale of Jonah. I knew there was some progress being made because as I got closer to deciding to go, I was convicted that if I went, it had to be for the right reasons. I was concerned that it would not be. I was concerned that it might be the same old fear response that had so often characterized my life. Regardless of what was happening or would happen, I just kept moving forward. That brought me to the mission trip application required by our church - something I had not expected. I just assumed that when I decided to go that would be it. Not so. There was the application. As Geoff said, "It is called Sudan III." By now the deadline for the application had passed.
“Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®, copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.”
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