I found this story among some of my notes. I do not know the author but it was entitled, “Letter to My Unborn Child.” The person who wrote this, as you will see, was paralyzed.
"Your mother is very special. Few men know what it’s like to receive appreciation for taking their wives out to dinner when it entails what it does for us. She has to dress me, brush my teeth, comb my hair, wheel me out of the house, open the garage, put me in the car, take the pedals off the chair, stand me up, sit me in the seat of the car, twist me around so that I’m comfortable, fold the wheelchair, put it in the car, go around to the other side of the car, start it up, back it out, get out of the car, pull the garage door down, get back into the car, and drive to the restaurant. Then it starts all over again. We sit down to have dinner, and she feeds me throughout the entire meal. When it’s over, she pays the bill, pushes the wheel chair out to the car again and resumes the routine. When it’s all over - finished - with real warmth she will say, “Honey, thank you for taking me out to dinner.” I never quite know what to say."
When I think of that story - when I think of His story, I have a great deal of trouble with how often I am self centered and helpless I really am.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Dealing With A Life Long Question - The Will of God
The night I was confronted with the possibility of going with a team from our church on a teaching mission to Southern Sudan I came face to face with another issue - God's will. On this occasion, as at other times in my life, my initial preference would have been to know specifically what God's will was in the matter. I am not so sure, though, that this did not have some selfish overtones. Some times we may be acting from a more self centered standpoint and we just clothe it with spiritual garb. We can approach the matter of "seeking to know" God's will before we decide because we want to know how everything will work out. We want to minimize the unknowns. This approach causes delay and can eventually render us unable to decide. I think in the initial days of deciding about the trip to Sudan I was not wanting to face the unknowns. I was too obsessed with the future. I was thinking, too, that I didn't want to be presumptuous and say I am going to do this or that without saying, as James does in James 4:15, "Instead you ought to say, If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that." I began to lapse back into thinking that I had to know or, at least, I thought I needed to show my dependence upon God by seeking to know His will.
What I have ended up doing most of the time, when the answers don't get specific, is to keep moving forward in varying degrees of struggle - praying that I would have the wisdom to take the right course or step - that I would be open and sensitive to God's guidance. Yet, I would still find myself wanting to "discover" God's will about the matter. That was true in the days I struggled with the decision about the trip to Sudan.
At times in my life as a Christian, I have had problems with the issue of God's will in decisions that I made or that I was planning to make. It was never clear to me how all that worked. It has not been until just the last few years that I have started to understand more. That means I have spent a lot of years in various degrees of darkness when it came to knowing how I was supposed to live and make life's decisions on the basis of God's will - a lot of years of thinking that I had to find God's perfect will in order to make right decisions in life or follow God's plan for my life. That created a problem. If God has a plan for my life (and your life) (and He does), then why is it that for the most part we can only discern it to any extent by looking back - looking back to trace God's hand in bringing us to where we are? The answer to that question is that while God will guide us, He does not burden us with the task of "divining His will of direction for our lives ahead of time." But I didn't know for a long time that this was true. My perspective, when it came to God's will of direction for my life, was as myopic as my eyes were - even more so. As this became clear to me, it made me realize how confused I have been in the past.
I think there is a lot of confusion when it comes to how God's will works in the decisions that we make. Some of that confusion and struggle surfaced for me in the days leading up to my "going forward - no retreat" decision about the trip to Southern Sudan- a trip and an experience that would turn out to be one of those defining moments for me in my journey with God. To get there was a journey in itself - not just the physical aspects of the trip. That was smooth compared to the spiritual journey.
Among the many things that I had to deal with in actually reaching the point of refusing to retreat was the matter of God's will - primarily learning a lesson that up to that point had been basically an academic one. It was ironic (but not really) that when this all began to unfold I had been reading a book on this very matter. I had no idea that I was about to be confronted with more than words in a book or in an article.
I had just purchased a book entitled, "Just Do Something - A Liberating Approach To Finding God's Will." I became aware of this book on June 1, 2009 through an article written by Geoff Ashley, the Discipleship Resource Pastor at The Village Church. It is the same Geoff Ashley who would later pose the Sudan question to me. As I look back on these events, it is fascinating to see how God works. I sure didn't pick up this book because I consciously needed to know the truth when it came to God's will and deciding to go on a mission trip to Sudan. God did know. I can see now how He was preparing the way. If you really want to kick it up a notch, that preparation just didn't start on June 1, 2009. Just think about that for a moment. As soon as I began reading the book and the article, I could feel clouds of confusion starting to lift. But that was not at the heart level yet. I had no idea how those thoughts were about to impact my life and enable me to keep moving forward toward one of the greatest decision I have made in a long, long time. I had no idea how God would use those thoughts to keep me from retreating - how they would keep me from indecision and from acting like a coward or resting in my own comfort. I didn't know how those thoughts would keep me from being paralyzed by the idea that if I went on the trip I might be going against some hidden will of God that could have led me into some bad situations. I didn't know that it would keep me from looking for a "no-risks" path of obedience. It would, instead, help me reaffirm that I didn't need to know the future because I could have confidence in the One who holds the future. It would keep me moving closer to the greatest of all plans that God had for my life and your life - being engaged through trials and triumphs that lead us to being transformed into the image of His Son. I would eventually come to the point of simply trusting Him - living and obeying and not missing one of the greatest moments in my life - Sudan III. I didn't know any of this when I first read Geoff's article and eventually the book by Kevin DeYoung. Even after God brought me into the classroom of life on this matter of His will, it took a while for it to dawn on me that what I was reading was about me. That is still strange to me; but it made me realize that this is not only true of the books we read, it is also true of the most important book, the Word of God. The light doesn't come on automatically. I am grateful that it did begin to shine.
As I try to explain what was happening, I have had to look at the momentary struggle that I had in sorting through things in light of this "liberating approach to finding God's will" as dealt with in the book, "Just Do Something" and in related Scripture. I really want to be clear about all of this and to look a little closer at how these truths about God's will affected my life during those days leading up to the trip and the awesome experience I found in Yei, Sudan with some brothers and sisters in Christ. Part of what I write in this section of the story will be based on the thoughts expressed in the book and article I just mentioned and the part it played in not letting me retreat from full scale, heart-felt obedience and the opportunity of a life time. It will be about how this experience in Southern Sudan became "heart-work" for me full of real joy and peace.
Even though I was studying and reading this book when the opportunity for the Sudan trip unfolded, I did not immediately relate it to what I was going through - at least in the initial days leading up to the decision to go on the trip. I think that it was the little words on the back cover of the book that caught my attention and served to explained what happened in my life and the struggle over the decision to go on the trip. It explains how I could go in peace and joy - I gave up. I surrendered to God and the things I knew to be true. I "just did something" and things began to happen. I came to realize that the issue for me was whether I would retreat in comfort or fall into some self appointed comfortable obedience rather than take advantage of an opportunity that I never envisioned would be mine. The questions about why I was asked to go on this trip also lifted.
One thing did weigh down on me, though, as I crossed the line. I became painfully aware of and burdened by the thoughts about the consequences of retreat from the path God had opened for me. Just thinking about it now brings a sense of dread. It is like suddenly realizing how close you came to a serious fall or an auto wreck. I know me well enough to realize that had I retreated, I could very well have given up. I am not sure that I would ever have recovered. I am not sure how the next page of my life would have been written. I have regrets in life as we all do; but a decision to retreat on this occasion could potentially have been my greatest regret. This is one reason I cannot say enough about the mercy and grace of God that He would not let that happen for one such as me. He did not let it happen when it came to the greatest moment in my lifetime - my salvation. And if I could see back over my life, I know that it is filled with those moments of mercy and grace. It does frightens me, though, when I think that I could have used muddled thoughts about God's will to shut me down. I could have missed out on a trip of a life time. I wonder how many could join me in expressing similar struggles - perhaps some going on now that are keeping you from making the decisions you should make concerning your journey with God?
I think that I knew that unless something happened - like not being approved for the trip or something else that stopped the process - that I would go on the trip. The problem was, though, I was not spiritually ready to go. I was resigned to the thought of going; but I was not at peace and that is not how I wanted it to be. I didn't want to go for the wrong reason or with the wrong attitude. Too much was involved. Live would affected. People were putting their confidence in me. As I dealt with the unknowns and with wanting God to clear all of that up for me, I knew that this presented another problem. I was coming to the point of no return once the application went in for consideration. I thought I was wanting it to be God's will; but it actually was a situation where I was wanting to know something that was not mine to know - at least in the sense that I was wanting to know it. I think I was wanting some type of express spiritual permission to go on this trip so bad things wouldn't happen and good things would. But even had that happened, I would have missed the greater lesson when it comes to God's will. As the author of the book, "Just Do It" says,
I think that too much of my problem when it came to wanting to find God's will was a lack of trust in God's promises and provisions. Kevin DeYoung said on page 47 of his book, "We don't just want His word that He will be with us; we want Him to show us the end from the beginning and prove to us that He can be trusted. We want to know what tomorrow will bring instead of being content with simple obedience on the journey." James 4:15, quoted above, is often seen as an expression of submission on our part to God's will and that is the sense in which I referred to it earlier. In another sense though it is a statement that recognizes the awesome truth that God is sovereignly in control of our lives. The author also says, "We must live our lives believing that all of our plans and strategies are subject to the immutable will of God. Therefore, we should be humble in looking to the future because we don't control it; God does. And we should be hopeful in looking to the future because God controls it, not us." As I write these words now, I realize that this is the point to which God brought me in those days leading up to boarding the plane on October 5, 2009 for Sudan. It explains why I could leave here in peace and be able to deal with all that followed and return home with a heart of gratitude that God would have allowed this to happen in my life.
I was reminded at some point in the struggle, that I was trying to walk by sight and not faith. I realized too that in the mix of all that was happening was the matter of sin on my part in wanting to be in control and chart my own comfortable course. "We risk because God does not risk. We walk into the future in God-glorifying confidence, not because the future is known to us but because it is known to God. And that's all we need to know." That is more or less what Dr. Steve Glaser was telling me that morning when I spoke of my concerns about the trip. "What is the worse that could happen to you?" The answer, when you are walking by faith, is nothing. I never could say in all of this that God was telling me to do this or that. I could say as things progressed, "It seems like the Lord is leading." In that sense, I was doing what I should have been doing all along - expressing my dependence upon Him. It didn't mean that I was passive either. This trip was one of the most "unpassive" things I have ever done. It was like Josh Patterson told me, "You just keep moving forward, placing these struggles before God."
I reached the point, by moving forward, where I could experience the truth expressed by Jesus in Matthew 6:25-34 - and the rebuke - "O you of little faith." I could take "tomorrow" out of the mix. I could concentrate on His will to "seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness." I could start running hard after Him. I could focus on the truth that His will for each of us to grow in holiness in daily life. Paul says in 1 Thessalonians 4:3, "For this is the will of God, your sanctification." I could focus on rejoicing, praying without ceasing and giving thanks in all circumstances because, according to 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, that too is the will of God.
An interesting thing was happening during all of my struggle as "Mr. O-You-of-Little-Faith." My wife, Betty, never wavered in her conviction that this was something I should do and that God wanted me to do. She was very gentle about this conviction and looking back I am grateful for the way she would express it. She didn't let me retreat. I am blessed to have someone like that - someone who was praying for me and trusting God that I would make the right decision. It didn't mean that she wasn't apprehensive. I think she was just a little but it never really showed. I think God was working in her life as well. Actually I know He was. On this occasion God placed her strong faith in my path and cut off any retreat that I might have had out of "concern for her." She put that to rest the night Geoff asked me to go. Through all of this, I knew she was on track. I knew she was right and I knew that I would get to that point once I got the clutter out of the way. That supportive role concerning the trip didn't end with my decision to go. It continued even when I was on the other side of the ocean. Those times will be part of the story down the road. Her trust help me to get my focus back where it belonged - on God's Word.
One verse that came to mind was found in Colossians 1:9. There Paul said to pray that we "may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to Him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in he knowledge of God." I began to see that in a number of areas God had already told me what to do. For example, to live in the power of the Spirit. That, I was not doing and yet God had made it clear that was how we are to live. This is the approach to life that He was always wanting from me - and for you. The sooner that truth is seen and accepted the sooner we can get on with the matter of joyful obedience. That meant the sooner I could get on with the trip to Sudan. I could make the trip and I can now live each day knowing that while God doesn't reveal many, many things to me, He is guiding me and His will, as expressed so clearly in Scripture, if followed, will enable me to move forward and not retreat.
There is still much more I need to understand about God's will in terms of life; but one thing has become clear in all of this. When I really looked at God's will, as revealed in Scripture, it went from a question about knowing to a matter of doing what God had already revealed - of moving forward in dependence upon Him. In Texas history there is a story of an event that took place in the final hours of the battle at the Alamo. A line was drawn in the sand. When the men stepped across the line, that meant "no retreat." I am thankful for the morning of July 9, 2009. I don't mean this to be an overly dramatic statement; but knowing the direction my life could have taken and knowing, to some extent, the impact it would have had on my life, and knowing now what was waiting for me in making this trip, a very life defining thing happened to me. I don't know all that happened in my life that day; but I do know that on that day, in a sense I came to a line of "no retreat." I stepped across that line. Instead of death, as the men of the Alamo would find, I found a new experience in living.
“Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®, copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.”
What I have ended up doing most of the time, when the answers don't get specific, is to keep moving forward in varying degrees of struggle - praying that I would have the wisdom to take the right course or step - that I would be open and sensitive to God's guidance. Yet, I would still find myself wanting to "discover" God's will about the matter. That was true in the days I struggled with the decision about the trip to Sudan.
At times in my life as a Christian, I have had problems with the issue of God's will in decisions that I made or that I was planning to make. It was never clear to me how all that worked. It has not been until just the last few years that I have started to understand more. That means I have spent a lot of years in various degrees of darkness when it came to knowing how I was supposed to live and make life's decisions on the basis of God's will - a lot of years of thinking that I had to find God's perfect will in order to make right decisions in life or follow God's plan for my life. That created a problem. If God has a plan for my life (and your life) (and He does), then why is it that for the most part we can only discern it to any extent by looking back - looking back to trace God's hand in bringing us to where we are? The answer to that question is that while God will guide us, He does not burden us with the task of "divining His will of direction for our lives ahead of time." But I didn't know for a long time that this was true. My perspective, when it came to God's will of direction for my life, was as myopic as my eyes were - even more so. As this became clear to me, it made me realize how confused I have been in the past.
I think there is a lot of confusion when it comes to how God's will works in the decisions that we make. Some of that confusion and struggle surfaced for me in the days leading up to my "going forward - no retreat" decision about the trip to Southern Sudan- a trip and an experience that would turn out to be one of those defining moments for me in my journey with God. To get there was a journey in itself - not just the physical aspects of the trip. That was smooth compared to the spiritual journey.
Among the many things that I had to deal with in actually reaching the point of refusing to retreat was the matter of God's will - primarily learning a lesson that up to that point had been basically an academic one. It was ironic (but not really) that when this all began to unfold I had been reading a book on this very matter. I had no idea that I was about to be confronted with more than words in a book or in an article.
I had just purchased a book entitled, "Just Do Something - A Liberating Approach To Finding God's Will." I became aware of this book on June 1, 2009 through an article written by Geoff Ashley, the Discipleship Resource Pastor at The Village Church. It is the same Geoff Ashley who would later pose the Sudan question to me. As I look back on these events, it is fascinating to see how God works. I sure didn't pick up this book because I consciously needed to know the truth when it came to God's will and deciding to go on a mission trip to Sudan. God did know. I can see now how He was preparing the way. If you really want to kick it up a notch, that preparation just didn't start on June 1, 2009. Just think about that for a moment. As soon as I began reading the book and the article, I could feel clouds of confusion starting to lift. But that was not at the heart level yet. I had no idea how those thoughts were about to impact my life and enable me to keep moving forward toward one of the greatest decision I have made in a long, long time. I had no idea how God would use those thoughts to keep me from retreating - how they would keep me from indecision and from acting like a coward or resting in my own comfort. I didn't know how those thoughts would keep me from being paralyzed by the idea that if I went on the trip I might be going against some hidden will of God that could have led me into some bad situations. I didn't know that it would keep me from looking for a "no-risks" path of obedience. It would, instead, help me reaffirm that I didn't need to know the future because I could have confidence in the One who holds the future. It would keep me moving closer to the greatest of all plans that God had for my life and your life - being engaged through trials and triumphs that lead us to being transformed into the image of His Son. I would eventually come to the point of simply trusting Him - living and obeying and not missing one of the greatest moments in my life - Sudan III. I didn't know any of this when I first read Geoff's article and eventually the book by Kevin DeYoung. Even after God brought me into the classroom of life on this matter of His will, it took a while for it to dawn on me that what I was reading was about me. That is still strange to me; but it made me realize that this is not only true of the books we read, it is also true of the most important book, the Word of God. The light doesn't come on automatically. I am grateful that it did begin to shine.
As I try to explain what was happening, I have had to look at the momentary struggle that I had in sorting through things in light of this "liberating approach to finding God's will" as dealt with in the book, "Just Do Something" and in related Scripture. I really want to be clear about all of this and to look a little closer at how these truths about God's will affected my life during those days leading up to the trip and the awesome experience I found in Yei, Sudan with some brothers and sisters in Christ. Part of what I write in this section of the story will be based on the thoughts expressed in the book and article I just mentioned and the part it played in not letting me retreat from full scale, heart-felt obedience and the opportunity of a life time. It will be about how this experience in Southern Sudan became "heart-work" for me full of real joy and peace.
Even though I was studying and reading this book when the opportunity for the Sudan trip unfolded, I did not immediately relate it to what I was going through - at least in the initial days leading up to the decision to go on the trip. I think that it was the little words on the back cover of the book that caught my attention and served to explained what happened in my life and the struggle over the decision to go on the trip. It explains how I could go in peace and joy - I gave up. I surrendered to God and the things I knew to be true. I "just did something" and things began to happen. I came to realize that the issue for me was whether I would retreat in comfort or fall into some self appointed comfortable obedience rather than take advantage of an opportunity that I never envisioned would be mine. The questions about why I was asked to go on this trip also lifted.
One thing did weigh down on me, though, as I crossed the line. I became painfully aware of and burdened by the thoughts about the consequences of retreat from the path God had opened for me. Just thinking about it now brings a sense of dread. It is like suddenly realizing how close you came to a serious fall or an auto wreck. I know me well enough to realize that had I retreated, I could very well have given up. I am not sure that I would ever have recovered. I am not sure how the next page of my life would have been written. I have regrets in life as we all do; but a decision to retreat on this occasion could potentially have been my greatest regret. This is one reason I cannot say enough about the mercy and grace of God that He would not let that happen for one such as me. He did not let it happen when it came to the greatest moment in my lifetime - my salvation. And if I could see back over my life, I know that it is filled with those moments of mercy and grace. It does frightens me, though, when I think that I could have used muddled thoughts about God's will to shut me down. I could have missed out on a trip of a life time. I wonder how many could join me in expressing similar struggles - perhaps some going on now that are keeping you from making the decisions you should make concerning your journey with God?
I think that I knew that unless something happened - like not being approved for the trip or something else that stopped the process - that I would go on the trip. The problem was, though, I was not spiritually ready to go. I was resigned to the thought of going; but I was not at peace and that is not how I wanted it to be. I didn't want to go for the wrong reason or with the wrong attitude. Too much was involved. Live would affected. People were putting their confidence in me. As I dealt with the unknowns and with wanting God to clear all of that up for me, I knew that this presented another problem. I was coming to the point of no return once the application went in for consideration. I thought I was wanting it to be God's will; but it actually was a situation where I was wanting to know something that was not mine to know - at least in the sense that I was wanting to know it. I think I was wanting some type of express spiritual permission to go on this trip so bad things wouldn't happen and good things would. But even had that happened, I would have missed the greater lesson when it comes to God's will. As the author of the book, "Just Do It" says,
God is not a Magic 8-Ball we shake up and peer into whenever we have a decision to make. He is a good God who gives us brains, shows us the way of obedience, and invites us to take risks for Him. We know God has a plan for our lives. That's wonderful. The problem is we think He's going to tell us the wonderful plan before it unfolds. We feel like we can know - and need to know - what God wants every step of the way. But such preoccupation with finding God's will, as well-intentioned as the desire may be, is more folly than freedom.
The better way is the biblical way: See first the kingdom of God, and then trust that He will take care of our needs, even before we can know what they are and where we're going.
I think that too much of my problem when it came to wanting to find God's will was a lack of trust in God's promises and provisions. Kevin DeYoung said on page 47 of his book, "We don't just want His word that He will be with us; we want Him to show us the end from the beginning and prove to us that He can be trusted. We want to know what tomorrow will bring instead of being content with simple obedience on the journey." James 4:15, quoted above, is often seen as an expression of submission on our part to God's will and that is the sense in which I referred to it earlier. In another sense though it is a statement that recognizes the awesome truth that God is sovereignly in control of our lives. The author also says, "We must live our lives believing that all of our plans and strategies are subject to the immutable will of God. Therefore, we should be humble in looking to the future because we don't control it; God does. And we should be hopeful in looking to the future because God controls it, not us." As I write these words now, I realize that this is the point to which God brought me in those days leading up to boarding the plane on October 5, 2009 for Sudan. It explains why I could leave here in peace and be able to deal with all that followed and return home with a heart of gratitude that God would have allowed this to happen in my life.
I was reminded at some point in the struggle, that I was trying to walk by sight and not faith. I realized too that in the mix of all that was happening was the matter of sin on my part in wanting to be in control and chart my own comfortable course. "We risk because God does not risk. We walk into the future in God-glorifying confidence, not because the future is known to us but because it is known to God. And that's all we need to know." That is more or less what Dr. Steve Glaser was telling me that morning when I spoke of my concerns about the trip. "What is the worse that could happen to you?" The answer, when you are walking by faith, is nothing. I never could say in all of this that God was telling me to do this or that. I could say as things progressed, "It seems like the Lord is leading." In that sense, I was doing what I should have been doing all along - expressing my dependence upon Him. It didn't mean that I was passive either. This trip was one of the most "unpassive" things I have ever done. It was like Josh Patterson told me, "You just keep moving forward, placing these struggles before God."
I reached the point, by moving forward, where I could experience the truth expressed by Jesus in Matthew 6:25-34 - and the rebuke - "O you of little faith." I could take "tomorrow" out of the mix. I could concentrate on His will to "seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness." I could start running hard after Him. I could focus on the truth that His will for each of us to grow in holiness in daily life. Paul says in 1 Thessalonians 4:3, "For this is the will of God, your sanctification." I could focus on rejoicing, praying without ceasing and giving thanks in all circumstances because, according to 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, that too is the will of God.
An interesting thing was happening during all of my struggle as "Mr. O-You-of-Little-Faith." My wife, Betty, never wavered in her conviction that this was something I should do and that God wanted me to do. She was very gentle about this conviction and looking back I am grateful for the way she would express it. She didn't let me retreat. I am blessed to have someone like that - someone who was praying for me and trusting God that I would make the right decision. It didn't mean that she wasn't apprehensive. I think she was just a little but it never really showed. I think God was working in her life as well. Actually I know He was. On this occasion God placed her strong faith in my path and cut off any retreat that I might have had out of "concern for her." She put that to rest the night Geoff asked me to go. Through all of this, I knew she was on track. I knew she was right and I knew that I would get to that point once I got the clutter out of the way. That supportive role concerning the trip didn't end with my decision to go. It continued even when I was on the other side of the ocean. Those times will be part of the story down the road. Her trust help me to get my focus back where it belonged - on God's Word.
One verse that came to mind was found in Colossians 1:9. There Paul said to pray that we "may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to Him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in he knowledge of God." I began to see that in a number of areas God had already told me what to do. For example, to live in the power of the Spirit. That, I was not doing and yet God had made it clear that was how we are to live. This is the approach to life that He was always wanting from me - and for you. The sooner that truth is seen and accepted the sooner we can get on with the matter of joyful obedience. That meant the sooner I could get on with the trip to Sudan. I could make the trip and I can now live each day knowing that while God doesn't reveal many, many things to me, He is guiding me and His will, as expressed so clearly in Scripture, if followed, will enable me to move forward and not retreat.
There is still much more I need to understand about God's will in terms of life; but one thing has become clear in all of this. When I really looked at God's will, as revealed in Scripture, it went from a question about knowing to a matter of doing what God had already revealed - of moving forward in dependence upon Him. In Texas history there is a story of an event that took place in the final hours of the battle at the Alamo. A line was drawn in the sand. When the men stepped across the line, that meant "no retreat." I am thankful for the morning of July 9, 2009. I don't mean this to be an overly dramatic statement; but knowing the direction my life could have taken and knowing, to some extent, the impact it would have had on my life, and knowing now what was waiting for me in making this trip, a very life defining thing happened to me. I don't know all that happened in my life that day; but I do know that on that day, in a sense I came to a line of "no retreat." I stepped across that line. Instead of death, as the men of the Alamo would find, I found a new experience in living.
“Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®, copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.”
Sunday, November 15, 2009
The Trip Name for the Application is "Sudan III"
When I was first asked about going on the trip to Southern Sudan, I did not realize that I would have to complete an application. I received an email from Geoff Ashley on June 30, 2009 asking me if I what I had decided about the trip. That is when I learned about the application. Geoff said, "If you are interested go on and fill out the application ... The trip name is Sudan III."
Filling out an application is not a new thing for me. Over the years I have had my share. My wife and I had just completed a very detailed application required by our church in order to become home group leaders. I knew from that experience that there would be nothing simply about the application for the trip called "Sudan III." I was not disappointed.
When I looked at the mission trip application required by our church, I knew that I had a new problem. My first thought when I read over the application for the first time was that I would not be able to complete it in time. In fact it was already past time to submit the application. I was not sure what effect that would have. Filling out the application would require thought and I was not sure how much thought I could provide at that time. I had just about used up my thinking in making the decision to go. Of course, I was still thinking largely in terms of "me." I do have to say, though, that part of my concern was related to being sure this was what God wanted. I will address that aspect later; but, for now, I can just say that it did account for some of my concerns.
I knew that our church had a lot of mission trips; but I never realized what was involved in going on one of those trips. I quickly learned though that there was nothing casual about the process or the "vetting." Now that I had decided to go, I was not sure how things would work out once my application was considered. Initially, beyond putting my name in the application, I was at a loss as to how to properly fill it out. I am looking the application again as I write and remembering how blank my mind was the day that I first looked at the application.
The first thing staring me in the face was "Passport Information." Filling that part out would be easy because I didn't have a passport. I had know idea at that point how long it would take to get one or if I could get it in time for the purchase of tickets. There was a section in the application about ministry participation and then a whole page about medical information. I was in good health but I didn't know how my age would be weighed. I knew that I needed to talk to a doctor about the matter. I later did and his first reaction was, "We need to get you set up for a stress test right away." I guess health and age was a factor. It turned out that I had taken a stress test in February 2009 and had received great results. Health was a factor; but thankfully I was fine and as it turned out I never had any health problems while in Sudan or after my return.
Next was a section on my overseas experience and ability to speak foreign languages. That answer would be simple - "None." I had never been outside the United States and could not speak a foreign language. I didn't figure the Latin that I had studied in college would count. I would also be required to express in writing my personal testimony. I was given a page and a half to do that; but eventually only used half of page. I was not sure how a whole blank page would look. Another question was "How is God at work in your life now?" That caused some concern because of the struggle I was having about going on this trip. In looking back at the application, I had written a question that could have raised doubts. I had said, "Why after all these years have I been asked to be part of the presentation and teaching of the gospel to people on the other side of the world?" I haven't fully answered that because I am still learning, but even if I don't come up with a full answer, I am satisfied just to say, "Thank you, Lord. What a blessing." I am praying that it will be more than that and that one day I can fully see how God used this trip and time of teaching for His glory. I turned another page in the application, and it didn't get easier. "Tell us more about your passions, talents, work experiences, unique skills, cross cultural experiences and anything else that has shaped who you are." At that moment I knew that I wanted people to have a clear understanding of the gospel in terms of living because that is what I wanted. I thought, "Maybe I can answer that one." I skipped to the next series of questions - "What have been some of the defining moments of your life" and what "cross-cultural experiences have you had?" "What do you believe is the biblical purpose/goal of global missions?" "Why/how do you feel God is leading you in this trip overseas?" The questions just got deeper and deeper and I was pressed for time. By then I was feeling the pressure.
I guess that once again I was wanting an easy route and way through this. I knew that I was going to have to start thinking at a different level. I was also going to have to trusting God at a different level. I was starting to realize more and more that I really needed to turn to God in all of this. I also had a sense that maybe I had waited too late to do that. I was left with heavy weight on me. Had I sacrificed obedience for struggle and doubt? Had I listened to "Adam the First" too long? Had my delay really been retreat and had I crossed the line of going farther with God? Through out that day and evening I would try to fill out the application; but I drew an absolute blank on these questions. Guess what? I still had not quit trying in my own effort. I should have spent the day in prayer instead of trying to escape the reality that I would not be able to do this on my own. When I went to bed that evening, I did not sleep. I don't think I ever closed my eyes. I started praying; but even that was a struggle. I had decided to go but I could very well still sink the whole thing over the application. I am not sure what all God was letting me experience in this step of the process; but it was agonizing. What I needed the most at that time was to just give up on my own ability and admit that I couldn't do it without Him. Why has that been my struggle so much of my life?
I say I had decided to go on the trip, but I still had thoughts that maybe I wouldn't get to go. I also knew that God was not closing the door - yet. I was coming to the point of being troubled that after weeks of struggle, I might not get to go. I don't know if Josh Patterson, our Executive Pastor, was preparing me for that possibility. After I submitted the application, Josh told me that if it worked out for some reason that I couldn't go then maybe I could help the team in some other way.
After that sleepless night, I remember going to my desk at 5 AM the next morning and thinking "What am I going to do. It can't end like this." This was Thursday. The first meeting was on Sunday. I was far behind the curve. I had an early breakfast meeting with my friend, Dr. Steve Glaser. He and I lead a men's Bible study group and we were meeting to talk about that. Before I left home that morning, I sent Josh Patterson a note expressing some of the struggle I was having. Later, at breakfast, I told Dr. Steve Glaser, for the first time, about the trip and my concerns - especially about the physical aspects considering my age. We talked about a number of things concerning the trip; but one response he made that I won't ever forget was when he said, "Look at it this way. What is the worse that could happen to you?" I laughed and said, "That is one thing that I am thinking about." But I did begin to think about what he had just said in a much broader sense. I realized that the worse things that I had been thinking about included a bucket list of thoughts not worth pursuing and that the worse thing was not the worse thing. The worse thing would have been not to go. When I got home around 7:30 AM, a weight had started to lift. It was like the first ray of peace began to shine into my situation. I found that I had received a reply from Josh Patterson. His son had been sick and he was up at 5 AM that morning, as well, when my email came. He was able to reply immediately. With his response, my talk to Dr. Glaser and more talk with my wife, Betty, that morning, things began to come into focus.
For the first time I could actually do some clear thinking. They all had been encouraging me, in essence, to press forward in the Spirit's strength. Josh spoke in terms of putting off the old and putting on the new and of mortifying those things that were dragging me down and hindering a heart felt response. I recently asked Josh whether I should write about this struggle. The heart of his response echoed the words that he wrote to me the morning of July 9, 2009. He said, "I definitely think your writing needs to include the challenges to obedience and how this process exposed areas of your life. The vast majority of people who read this will identify with the struggle to obey and get to see how the Lord is faithful and gracious in it. They will see the process for what it is…a process. None of us are complete yet and certainly nobody is “finished”. So, we press on and see the love of the Lord and patience of His hand as He chisels and molds us into the image of His Son." For the first time on the morning of July 9, 2009 I had a peace that I had not had. The guilt that I was feeling over my struggle in the process began to lift. I knew that I had to take the baggage of fear, pride, concern about my reasons for going, physical concerns, financial concerns and get honest before God. I told Betty, I think, for the first time, at least in confidence and peace, that I wanted to go. It was becoming more and more a heart-work thing for me. I even felt that all I had been through was part of the process of preparation for the trip. I still had to pray, though, that I would not carry any unnecessary baggage with me. I am not referring to the 33 lbs limit on physical baggage that we were under. I immediately began to work on the application and within an hour it was completed. That in itself was a miracle. In fact, words were coming so fast that I had trouble typing fast enough. It was just one more gracious indicator that I was moving in the right direction. But the battle wasn't over. In fact, it will never be over this side of heaven. I was about to be reminded of that and those reminders would keep coming - not to drag me down - but to keep me heaven bound in my thinking - to keep me moving forward in dependence upon God. At times, though, I could still hear the call of "Adam the First." He never gives up.
“Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®, copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.”
Filling out an application is not a new thing for me. Over the years I have had my share. My wife and I had just completed a very detailed application required by our church in order to become home group leaders. I knew from that experience that there would be nothing simply about the application for the trip called "Sudan III." I was not disappointed.
When I looked at the mission trip application required by our church, I knew that I had a new problem. My first thought when I read over the application for the first time was that I would not be able to complete it in time. In fact it was already past time to submit the application. I was not sure what effect that would have. Filling out the application would require thought and I was not sure how much thought I could provide at that time. I had just about used up my thinking in making the decision to go. Of course, I was still thinking largely in terms of "me." I do have to say, though, that part of my concern was related to being sure this was what God wanted. I will address that aspect later; but, for now, I can just say that it did account for some of my concerns.
I knew that our church had a lot of mission trips; but I never realized what was involved in going on one of those trips. I quickly learned though that there was nothing casual about the process or the "vetting." Now that I had decided to go, I was not sure how things would work out once my application was considered. Initially, beyond putting my name in the application, I was at a loss as to how to properly fill it out. I am looking the application again as I write and remembering how blank my mind was the day that I first looked at the application.
The first thing staring me in the face was "Passport Information." Filling that part out would be easy because I didn't have a passport. I had know idea at that point how long it would take to get one or if I could get it in time for the purchase of tickets. There was a section in the application about ministry participation and then a whole page about medical information. I was in good health but I didn't know how my age would be weighed. I knew that I needed to talk to a doctor about the matter. I later did and his first reaction was, "We need to get you set up for a stress test right away." I guess health and age was a factor. It turned out that I had taken a stress test in February 2009 and had received great results. Health was a factor; but thankfully I was fine and as it turned out I never had any health problems while in Sudan or after my return.
Next was a section on my overseas experience and ability to speak foreign languages. That answer would be simple - "None." I had never been outside the United States and could not speak a foreign language. I didn't figure the Latin that I had studied in college would count. I would also be required to express in writing my personal testimony. I was given a page and a half to do that; but eventually only used half of page. I was not sure how a whole blank page would look. Another question was "How is God at work in your life now?" That caused some concern because of the struggle I was having about going on this trip. In looking back at the application, I had written a question that could have raised doubts. I had said, "Why after all these years have I been asked to be part of the presentation and teaching of the gospel to people on the other side of the world?" I haven't fully answered that because I am still learning, but even if I don't come up with a full answer, I am satisfied just to say, "Thank you, Lord. What a blessing." I am praying that it will be more than that and that one day I can fully see how God used this trip and time of teaching for His glory. I turned another page in the application, and it didn't get easier. "Tell us more about your passions, talents, work experiences, unique skills, cross cultural experiences and anything else that has shaped who you are." At that moment I knew that I wanted people to have a clear understanding of the gospel in terms of living because that is what I wanted. I thought, "Maybe I can answer that one." I skipped to the next series of questions - "What have been some of the defining moments of your life" and what "cross-cultural experiences have you had?" "What do you believe is the biblical purpose/goal of global missions?" "Why/how do you feel God is leading you in this trip overseas?" The questions just got deeper and deeper and I was pressed for time. By then I was feeling the pressure.
I guess that once again I was wanting an easy route and way through this. I knew that I was going to have to start thinking at a different level. I was also going to have to trusting God at a different level. I was starting to realize more and more that I really needed to turn to God in all of this. I also had a sense that maybe I had waited too late to do that. I was left with heavy weight on me. Had I sacrificed obedience for struggle and doubt? Had I listened to "Adam the First" too long? Had my delay really been retreat and had I crossed the line of going farther with God? Through out that day and evening I would try to fill out the application; but I drew an absolute blank on these questions. Guess what? I still had not quit trying in my own effort. I should have spent the day in prayer instead of trying to escape the reality that I would not be able to do this on my own. When I went to bed that evening, I did not sleep. I don't think I ever closed my eyes. I started praying; but even that was a struggle. I had decided to go but I could very well still sink the whole thing over the application. I am not sure what all God was letting me experience in this step of the process; but it was agonizing. What I needed the most at that time was to just give up on my own ability and admit that I couldn't do it without Him. Why has that been my struggle so much of my life?
I say I had decided to go on the trip, but I still had thoughts that maybe I wouldn't get to go. I also knew that God was not closing the door - yet. I was coming to the point of being troubled that after weeks of struggle, I might not get to go. I don't know if Josh Patterson, our Executive Pastor, was preparing me for that possibility. After I submitted the application, Josh told me that if it worked out for some reason that I couldn't go then maybe I could help the team in some other way.
After that sleepless night, I remember going to my desk at 5 AM the next morning and thinking "What am I going to do. It can't end like this." This was Thursday. The first meeting was on Sunday. I was far behind the curve. I had an early breakfast meeting with my friend, Dr. Steve Glaser. He and I lead a men's Bible study group and we were meeting to talk about that. Before I left home that morning, I sent Josh Patterson a note expressing some of the struggle I was having. Later, at breakfast, I told Dr. Steve Glaser, for the first time, about the trip and my concerns - especially about the physical aspects considering my age. We talked about a number of things concerning the trip; but one response he made that I won't ever forget was when he said, "Look at it this way. What is the worse that could happen to you?" I laughed and said, "That is one thing that I am thinking about." But I did begin to think about what he had just said in a much broader sense. I realized that the worse things that I had been thinking about included a bucket list of thoughts not worth pursuing and that the worse thing was not the worse thing. The worse thing would have been not to go. When I got home around 7:30 AM, a weight had started to lift. It was like the first ray of peace began to shine into my situation. I found that I had received a reply from Josh Patterson. His son had been sick and he was up at 5 AM that morning, as well, when my email came. He was able to reply immediately. With his response, my talk to Dr. Glaser and more talk with my wife, Betty, that morning, things began to come into focus.
For the first time I could actually do some clear thinking. They all had been encouraging me, in essence, to press forward in the Spirit's strength. Josh spoke in terms of putting off the old and putting on the new and of mortifying those things that were dragging me down and hindering a heart felt response. I recently asked Josh whether I should write about this struggle. The heart of his response echoed the words that he wrote to me the morning of July 9, 2009. He said, "I definitely think your writing needs to include the challenges to obedience and how this process exposed areas of your life. The vast majority of people who read this will identify with the struggle to obey and get to see how the Lord is faithful and gracious in it. They will see the process for what it is…a process. None of us are complete yet and certainly nobody is “finished”. So, we press on and see the love of the Lord and patience of His hand as He chisels and molds us into the image of His Son." For the first time on the morning of July 9, 2009 I had a peace that I had not had. The guilt that I was feeling over my struggle in the process began to lift. I knew that I had to take the baggage of fear, pride, concern about my reasons for going, physical concerns, financial concerns and get honest before God. I told Betty, I think, for the first time, at least in confidence and peace, that I wanted to go. It was becoming more and more a heart-work thing for me. I even felt that all I had been through was part of the process of preparation for the trip. I still had to pray, though, that I would not carry any unnecessary baggage with me. I am not referring to the 33 lbs limit on physical baggage that we were under. I immediately began to work on the application and within an hour it was completed. That in itself was a miracle. In fact, words were coming so fast that I had trouble typing fast enough. It was just one more gracious indicator that I was moving in the right direction. But the battle wasn't over. In fact, it will never be over this side of heaven. I was about to be reminded of that and those reminders would keep coming - not to drag me down - but to keep me heaven bound in my thinking - to keep me moving forward in dependence upon God. At times, though, I could still hear the call of "Adam the First." He never gives up.
“Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®, copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.”
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
An Encounter with "Adam the First"
I would like to be writing these words about the events leading up to the journey of a life time as Mr. Faith. Instead, my life for the next three or four weeks after Geoff Ashley first spoke to me about the trip to Southern Sudan, was one of struggle. As a rule, when it comes to making some decisions I will give the matter some thought. Sometimes this process can occur very quickly and at other times, it is a slower. The decision about going to Sudan was going to be one a more thought out decisions. I wanted to have a sense that this is what God wanted me to do. So far so good. It is good to have a sense of calling. It is good to "stand still" and make sure about the ground you are standing on. However, this approach is not without risks. The first problem was not turning immediately to God in prayer and opening my heart for Him to work. Instead, I began to focus my thoughts on me. Fear, pride, a sense of loss regarding the financial cost of the trip and ultimately a sense of inadequacy concerning my role in the teaching mission became the rule of the day. These and other things began to complicate the process.
Throughout my life I have had to fight against taking the more comfortable way. I have also tended to sell myself short - another battle that I fight from time to time. These self directed thoughts were starting to gain a foothold. They will do that if we are not alert. I realize now that I really didn't get started with God. But that is where God always starts and sooner or later that will have to be acknowledged.
It is strange that after all these years, I can still be naive when it comes to how God works in a person's life. I know that He can and will call you out. "Do you really mean what you are saying?" "You have just made some critical statements about your life. Do you mean that?" "Are you going to obey in faith or retreat in fear or concern for yourself?" "Are you going to go on this trip to Sudan out of fear or in dependence upon Me?" "Do you really want things to be different in your life?" Self has been my problem through out my Christian life. I don't think that is unique with me. But here I was on the threshold of a real breakthrough in my life and self was once again trying to rule and reign. I know that for some this matter of going to Southern Sudan would not have been a struggle. I know also that what is a struggle for one person may not be a struggle for someone else. Given the right set of facts, I don't think anyone is free from struggle - at least some areas. This decision that I faced was a struggle for me. The more I wrestled with it or tried to ignore it, the more of a struggle it became. There were a number of undercurrents at work. It took me a while to realize what they were and admit that they were at work. Much about all this became clearer in retrospect. One of the first undercurrents to gain a foothold related to my own ill defined zone of comfortable obedience. I never realized how tight my grip actually was on that aspects of my life. This was true even though I was wanting things to happen in my walk with God that went far beyond anything I could ever achieve through my own effort. I was wanting things far beyond any previous comfort level that had existed in my life. Yet here I was wanting God to give me so much more in terms of life with Him but I was reaching out with a closed hand. There can be so much subtly in and around our resolve unless God shines His light on your life. When that starts to happen, God will start revealing things in your life that you thought you had resolved. He can use a matter like the one that was confronting me over the trip to Sudan. I was going to have to decide how serious I was about my walk with God. It would not be an academic or theoretical decision. God had just cast all of this into a real life situation.
I have started reading John Bunyan's book, "The Pilgrim's Progress." I hate to confess that I have never read the book. I bought it to take with me on the trip to Africa; but never could find it amid the small amount of belongings that I was able to take with me. Strange. I went through my briefcase several times looking for it. I had all of those travel hours that I could have read it since I wasn't sleeping any; but I never found it until a few days ago. I found it among the things I had taken to Sudan. Stranger still. I started reading through the book and came to the part where the reader is introduced to "Faithful." There is a dialog between "Faithful" and "Christian" where "Faithful" speaks of meeting a man at the foot of the hill called "Difficulty." The "very aged man" asked if "Faithful" would be content to dwell with him. The "old man" said his name was "Adam the First." This sounded awfully like what was happening in my life. When I was confronted with the invitation to go to Southern Sudan, it was like I found myself standing at the foot of the hill, mentioned in Bunyan's story, called "Difficulty." "Adam the First" was bidding me to be content to dwell with him. But another one, not recognizable at first, the One for whom "Adam the First" was but a type, Jesus Christ, was also standing there gently urging me forward. While I heard nothing audible and was not even aware of this at the time, I know that I was being urged on. That has to be the reason I kept going. So there I was. Whose bidding would I follow? Whose voice would I heed?
I know now that the struggle I faced was not about going to Africa. The issue went much deeper. It is easy to focus on surface issues as I was doing; but beneath the surface there is always the spiritual. God is constantly calling us closer and closer to Himself - constantly confronting us with where we are and where He wants us to be. That is where I had, by earlier pronouncements, wanted to go. His call to continue the process toward maturity will take many forms. For me, it involved a teaching mission to Yei, Sudan. The real call was a call from self to Himself - to press on toward the high calling. When that call comes, you would think "I will be like "Faithful." "I will refuse to be inclined to hear the call of 'Adam the First.'" But we are all prone to listen to "Adam the First" and he knows exactly how to speak in a way that we will listen. I was listening. Figuratively speaking, he spoke the words he knew would get my attention and keep me from hearing, at least for a while, the voice of Christ. In a way I am sorry that all of this unfolded as it did; but because of God's mercy, I got to see something of His glory and grace as He chiseled away at the grip I had on my life - a pull that was keeping me earthbound and keeping me from the all sufficiency of His grace.
It is interesting to look at the thoughts that come during critical moments in our walk with God - thoughts aimed at keeping us earthbound in our journey. When Geoff Ashley spoke to me about the trip to Africa, I got a sinking feeling. I thought, "Why did I say anything to him about teaching?" At first, I tried to put the thought out of my mind; but a number of questions began to pop into my mind. "Why would I, as a 72 year old be asked to go on a trip like this?" "What could I do?" "Can't I better serve by helping others in other ways?" I almost made that statement to him; but kept silent. "What could happen to me physically?" "How could Betty and I financially afford to do this?" This was a big one. We had been making some financial plans and the $3000 to $4000 costs for this trip would go a long way in helping us meet those plans. The financial cost loomed large at that point especially since my work does not permit me to ask for financial help. On several occasions when I would mention the cost, Betty would say, "If this is what God wants for us the money doesn't matter." But truthfully, it was mattering to me and that bothered me. Again, in looking back, I realize that God had already been preparing her for this moment. Eventually God would work me through that issue to the point that I would not see it as a financial loss. I would see it as gain beyond anything financial.
I had other nagging concerns. There were all those statements I had made about wanting a new direction for my life. There were statements about not wanting to retire in my walk with God. I had said a number of times that I didn't want my life to become one of enjoying the place called "the comforts of my age." I was very bothered by the fact that all this "good resolve" could be just talk. In Bunyan's allegory there is always the possibility of being like "Talkative" - like those described in Matthew 23:3 as "They say, and do not" or "They preach, but do not practice." John Bunyan had this to say about those who are just talk:
Such talk can come from a true desire to walk and dwell deeply with God; but it can also proceed from pride or easily be left to the operation of the flesh or "Adam the First." I was leaning toward "wane he goes" and about to miss the experience of "heart-work." I know that was happening because I tried to put Geoff's question out of my mind rather than face the issues that it had raised in my life. I wasn't even trying to think it through or commit it to God. I thought, if I hear nothing else about this, then maybe I won't have to decide or maybe he wasn't really asking me. That seemed to be the course of things. I heard nothing else for several weeks. I began to relax. Then on June 30, 2009, Geoff sent me an email and asked me again about going. He said, "I was not sure how interested you were in the Sudan trip, but I just wanted to give you some details regardless. The dates are October 5-17th. If you are interested, go on and fill out the application. The trip name is Sudan III." So there it was - no escape. I had to decide.
I wasn't entirely sure how Betty would react if I decided to go; but, as I have said, she was way ahead of me. In fact, she was gently encouraging me to go. I am not sure what it would have been like had she not had this peace about it. I am glad that I didn't get to find out. As word got out to some about me being asked to go on the trip, they were encouraging me to go and talking about it as the experience of a lifetime. That was not helping me at the time. It was only making me more acutely aware of the struggle and how different talk and action can be. Guilt was knocking at the door. So here I was having just proclaimed that I wanted Jesus Christ to be my passion and priority. I wanted to treasure the sight of His glory by faith. I wanted a Holy Spirit led life of obedience. I said that I wanted His life to be a refreshing drink to my thirsty soul and that I wanted to live the essence of the gospel. I hate to think that my life could come down to just talk. This clearly left me with two choices. I could either go on the trip and move forward in my walk with God or I could retreat and forever lose, no doubt, what God had been preparing me for all these years. Just one more step; one more step. There actually was a third choice. I could go but for the wrong reasons. I could go out of fear. I could go to impress others that someone my age would do this. That troubled me even more. Too much was involved for me to go in that manner. Either way I decided, I knew it would involve surrender - either to fear or to trust - to self or to God. At that moment I was not sure how I would decide or maybe I did know, but I was not to the point where it would have been a willing, joyful surrender. I am thankful that this did come later, but at that point the battle was joined. What would my surrender look like? Would I move forward or retreat? Would I move forward in faith or fear? Would I decline to go because of fear or would I go because of fear? Would my concern for financial cost win the day? Stir into that mix a little pride in being asked to go and you have the makings of a mess. I did not want to deal with all of this; but now it was full blown.
It still bothers me now that I had these thoughts and that it got so out of hand; but I can't deny that is what happened. I would have much rather been "Faithful" and have jumped right in without any hesitation. It is obvious though that I had much to learn before that time came. I would much rather have been writing about an instant willingness to obey. Instead I was trying to live out a new version of the tale of Jonah. I knew there was some progress being made because as I got closer to deciding to go, I was convicted that if I went, it had to be for the right reasons. I was concerned that it would not be. I was concerned that it might be the same old fear response that had so often characterized my life. Regardless of what was happening or would happen, I just kept moving forward. That brought me to the mission trip application required by our church - something I had not expected. I just assumed that when I decided to go that would be it. Not so. There was the application. As Geoff said, "It is called Sudan III." By now the deadline for the application had passed.
“Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®, copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.”
Throughout my life I have had to fight against taking the more comfortable way. I have also tended to sell myself short - another battle that I fight from time to time. These self directed thoughts were starting to gain a foothold. They will do that if we are not alert. I realize now that I really didn't get started with God. But that is where God always starts and sooner or later that will have to be acknowledged.
It is strange that after all these years, I can still be naive when it comes to how God works in a person's life. I know that He can and will call you out. "Do you really mean what you are saying?" "You have just made some critical statements about your life. Do you mean that?" "Are you going to obey in faith or retreat in fear or concern for yourself?" "Are you going to go on this trip to Sudan out of fear or in dependence upon Me?" "Do you really want things to be different in your life?" Self has been my problem through out my Christian life. I don't think that is unique with me. But here I was on the threshold of a real breakthrough in my life and self was once again trying to rule and reign. I know that for some this matter of going to Southern Sudan would not have been a struggle. I know also that what is a struggle for one person may not be a struggle for someone else. Given the right set of facts, I don't think anyone is free from struggle - at least some areas. This decision that I faced was a struggle for me. The more I wrestled with it or tried to ignore it, the more of a struggle it became. There were a number of undercurrents at work. It took me a while to realize what they were and admit that they were at work. Much about all this became clearer in retrospect. One of the first undercurrents to gain a foothold related to my own ill defined zone of comfortable obedience. I never realized how tight my grip actually was on that aspects of my life. This was true even though I was wanting things to happen in my walk with God that went far beyond anything I could ever achieve through my own effort. I was wanting things far beyond any previous comfort level that had existed in my life. Yet here I was wanting God to give me so much more in terms of life with Him but I was reaching out with a closed hand. There can be so much subtly in and around our resolve unless God shines His light on your life. When that starts to happen, God will start revealing things in your life that you thought you had resolved. He can use a matter like the one that was confronting me over the trip to Sudan. I was going to have to decide how serious I was about my walk with God. It would not be an academic or theoretical decision. God had just cast all of this into a real life situation.
I have started reading John Bunyan's book, "The Pilgrim's Progress." I hate to confess that I have never read the book. I bought it to take with me on the trip to Africa; but never could find it amid the small amount of belongings that I was able to take with me. Strange. I went through my briefcase several times looking for it. I had all of those travel hours that I could have read it since I wasn't sleeping any; but I never found it until a few days ago. I found it among the things I had taken to Sudan. Stranger still. I started reading through the book and came to the part where the reader is introduced to "Faithful." There is a dialog between "Faithful" and "Christian" where "Faithful" speaks of meeting a man at the foot of the hill called "Difficulty." The "very aged man" asked if "Faithful" would be content to dwell with him. The "old man" said his name was "Adam the First." This sounded awfully like what was happening in my life. When I was confronted with the invitation to go to Southern Sudan, it was like I found myself standing at the foot of the hill, mentioned in Bunyan's story, called "Difficulty." "Adam the First" was bidding me to be content to dwell with him. But another one, not recognizable at first, the One for whom "Adam the First" was but a type, Jesus Christ, was also standing there gently urging me forward. While I heard nothing audible and was not even aware of this at the time, I know that I was being urged on. That has to be the reason I kept going. So there I was. Whose bidding would I follow? Whose voice would I heed?
I know now that the struggle I faced was not about going to Africa. The issue went much deeper. It is easy to focus on surface issues as I was doing; but beneath the surface there is always the spiritual. God is constantly calling us closer and closer to Himself - constantly confronting us with where we are and where He wants us to be. That is where I had, by earlier pronouncements, wanted to go. His call to continue the process toward maturity will take many forms. For me, it involved a teaching mission to Yei, Sudan. The real call was a call from self to Himself - to press on toward the high calling. When that call comes, you would think "I will be like "Faithful." "I will refuse to be inclined to hear the call of 'Adam the First.'" But we are all prone to listen to "Adam the First" and he knows exactly how to speak in a way that we will listen. I was listening. Figuratively speaking, he spoke the words he knew would get my attention and keep me from hearing, at least for a while, the voice of Christ. In a way I am sorry that all of this unfolded as it did; but because of God's mercy, I got to see something of His glory and grace as He chiseled away at the grip I had on my life - a pull that was keeping me earthbound and keeping me from the all sufficiency of His grace.
It is interesting to look at the thoughts that come during critical moments in our walk with God - thoughts aimed at keeping us earthbound in our journey. When Geoff Ashley spoke to me about the trip to Africa, I got a sinking feeling. I thought, "Why did I say anything to him about teaching?" At first, I tried to put the thought out of my mind; but a number of questions began to pop into my mind. "Why would I, as a 72 year old be asked to go on a trip like this?" "What could I do?" "Can't I better serve by helping others in other ways?" I almost made that statement to him; but kept silent. "What could happen to me physically?" "How could Betty and I financially afford to do this?" This was a big one. We had been making some financial plans and the $3000 to $4000 costs for this trip would go a long way in helping us meet those plans. The financial cost loomed large at that point especially since my work does not permit me to ask for financial help. On several occasions when I would mention the cost, Betty would say, "If this is what God wants for us the money doesn't matter." But truthfully, it was mattering to me and that bothered me. Again, in looking back, I realize that God had already been preparing her for this moment. Eventually God would work me through that issue to the point that I would not see it as a financial loss. I would see it as gain beyond anything financial.
I had other nagging concerns. There were all those statements I had made about wanting a new direction for my life. There were statements about not wanting to retire in my walk with God. I had said a number of times that I didn't want my life to become one of enjoying the place called "the comforts of my age." I was very bothered by the fact that all this "good resolve" could be just talk. In Bunyan's allegory there is always the possibility of being like "Talkative" - like those described in Matthew 23:3 as "They say, and do not" or "They preach, but do not practice." John Bunyan had this to say about those who are just talk:
How Talkative at first lifts up his plumes!
How bravely doth he speak! How he presumes
To drive down all before him! But so soon
As Faithful talks of heart-work, like the moon
That's past the full, into the wane he goes;
And so will all but he that heart-work knows.
Such talk can come from a true desire to walk and dwell deeply with God; but it can also proceed from pride or easily be left to the operation of the flesh or "Adam the First." I was leaning toward "wane he goes" and about to miss the experience of "heart-work." I know that was happening because I tried to put Geoff's question out of my mind rather than face the issues that it had raised in my life. I wasn't even trying to think it through or commit it to God. I thought, if I hear nothing else about this, then maybe I won't have to decide or maybe he wasn't really asking me. That seemed to be the course of things. I heard nothing else for several weeks. I began to relax. Then on June 30, 2009, Geoff sent me an email and asked me again about going. He said, "I was not sure how interested you were in the Sudan trip, but I just wanted to give you some details regardless. The dates are October 5-17th. If you are interested, go on and fill out the application. The trip name is Sudan III." So there it was - no escape. I had to decide.
I wasn't entirely sure how Betty would react if I decided to go; but, as I have said, she was way ahead of me. In fact, she was gently encouraging me to go. I am not sure what it would have been like had she not had this peace about it. I am glad that I didn't get to find out. As word got out to some about me being asked to go on the trip, they were encouraging me to go and talking about it as the experience of a lifetime. That was not helping me at the time. It was only making me more acutely aware of the struggle and how different talk and action can be. Guilt was knocking at the door. So here I was having just proclaimed that I wanted Jesus Christ to be my passion and priority. I wanted to treasure the sight of His glory by faith. I wanted a Holy Spirit led life of obedience. I said that I wanted His life to be a refreshing drink to my thirsty soul and that I wanted to live the essence of the gospel. I hate to think that my life could come down to just talk. This clearly left me with two choices. I could either go on the trip and move forward in my walk with God or I could retreat and forever lose, no doubt, what God had been preparing me for all these years. Just one more step; one more step. There actually was a third choice. I could go but for the wrong reasons. I could go out of fear. I could go to impress others that someone my age would do this. That troubled me even more. Too much was involved for me to go in that manner. Either way I decided, I knew it would involve surrender - either to fear or to trust - to self or to God. At that moment I was not sure how I would decide or maybe I did know, but I was not to the point where it would have been a willing, joyful surrender. I am thankful that this did come later, but at that point the battle was joined. What would my surrender look like? Would I move forward or retreat? Would I move forward in faith or fear? Would I decline to go because of fear or would I go because of fear? Would my concern for financial cost win the day? Stir into that mix a little pride in being asked to go and you have the makings of a mess. I did not want to deal with all of this; but now it was full blown.
It still bothers me now that I had these thoughts and that it got so out of hand; but I can't deny that is what happened. I would have much rather been "Faithful" and have jumped right in without any hesitation. It is obvious though that I had much to learn before that time came. I would much rather have been writing about an instant willingness to obey. Instead I was trying to live out a new version of the tale of Jonah. I knew there was some progress being made because as I got closer to deciding to go, I was convicted that if I went, it had to be for the right reasons. I was concerned that it would not be. I was concerned that it might be the same old fear response that had so often characterized my life. Regardless of what was happening or would happen, I just kept moving forward. That brought me to the mission trip application required by our church - something I had not expected. I just assumed that when I decided to go that would be it. Not so. There was the application. As Geoff said, "It is called Sudan III." By now the deadline for the application had passed.
“Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®, copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.”
Friday, October 30, 2009
What Does It Mean to be the Clay?
Part of the answer to the title question is that clay is to be molded in the potter's hand. It doesn't form itself. Scripture tells us that we are clay and God is the Potter. The same is true of us. There is a process that takes place through out our lifetime as children of our Heavenly Father. We are meant to be molded and shaped by His loving and gracious hands in to the image of Christ. He does just that. But unlike clay, in the clay of our humanity, we often resist and challenge the process of being transformed into that image. We often resist, sometimes in subtle and "acceptable" ways, God's call to be obedient and pliant vessels. I was about to find out in a very personal, but thankfully not a painful way, what it means to be the clay and not the potter.
On May 23, 2009 I posted the words contained in "I Went to the Woods." What I had written was too long so I decided to save the balance as part two. At least that was what I thought at the time. I believe now that God was going to let me face what I had written in a real life situation and begin to understand something of what that would mean in real life. In addition to those words, I had on a number of occasions made statements to my wife, Betty, to the effect that I did not want to "retire" when it came to my journey with God. I really felt that was an honest conviction about how I should live out my life in the "later" years as they are called. I had heard people say, "Well I have done my part. Now it is time for the younger folks." I really didn't want that to be true in my life. Words can just be words; but not with God. Sooner or later, I would be tested and stretched at this point.
We all face challenges when it comes to obedience and God has to expose areas in our lives - the rough places that require His attention as He shapes and molds us in to the image of Christ. I was about to find out that maybe I did enjoy a more comfortable role at this point in my life - that maybe my resolve was not as strong as I thought it was and that maybe until I was tested my convictions were not all that resolved. So in the writing that I had not posted, I was going to have to go beyond words. I had no idea that I had just written the prelude to what God was about to do in my life. I had just raised the issue - What does it mean to be the clay?
Within less than a month after I finished what would have been part two of "I Went to the Woods," Geoff Ashley, the Disciple Resource Pastor at our church, asked me a question that put the spotlight right on my heart. I think I had been walking in the shadows. In the course of an after dinner conversation on the evening of June 17, 2009, I had just made a statement about loving to teach. I was not expecting what followed when Geoff said, "Do you want to be part of a seven man team from The Village Church to travel to Yei, Sudan and teach a group of pastors?" As the football coach and commentator, John Madden would say, it was like "Bam!" In that moment I was being confronted with the fact that I did have a comfort zone. I had just been called out on my resolve. I had just been called out on the things I had written a few weeks earlier. This actually became clearer to me over the next few days. At first it was more of a sinking feeling. I wish I could say that I had been able to make the decision to go with great ease. I wish I could say that my initial reaction was one of thankfulness that I had been given an opportunity of a lifetime at this point in my life; and that I immediately said "Yes" out of a heart of gratitude and faith. That didn't happen immediately; but I did get to that point and that certainly is important. But, first, God had to do some things in my life. He had some work to do before I was ready. In looking back I have been disturbed about my hesitation but the more I have thought about it the more I have realized that even now, 63 years into my life as a Christian, God still is working in my life. That truth, in a greater sense, is refreshing. He hasn't put me on the shelf to gather dust. That is the kind of God He is - a loving and caring Father who wants more for His children than they often want for themselves. That can only be to His praise and glory. So, as regretful as I am in one sense that I didn't respond with immediate obedience, I am grateful that I can respond now with much gratitude for who He is and How He loves His struggling children. I had to write about this struggle and process that I was going to have to go through to reach the point where I was ready to say "Yes" with a heart of thankfulness. It is just one more example that we are moving toward the goal of the high calling and that we aren't there. It is exciting to know that God is not finished with you - that He is still molding and shaping - that you are still blessed to be clay in His hands and as the song goes - to realize that He doesn't throw the clay away. He lovingly and patiently walks you through the process of obedience as He chisels away from your life to bring you to completeness. I can say, as many can, that if you stay the course, it is, in a sense, like Isaiah wrote in Isaiah 29:17. "Is it not yet a very little while until Lebanon shall be turned into a fruitful field, and the fruitful field shall be regarded as a forest" and in Isaiah 29:19, "the meek shall obtain fresh joy in the Lord..." That is worth pushing ahead for - a fruitful field, a forest, and fresh joy. That is worth the experiencing the shaping hand of God.
As you read what would have been part two of "I Went to the Woods," you will see that I made a number of statements concerning my journey with God and what I desired for my life in the days ahead. I had previously dotted the roadside of my journey with statements to the effect that it was past my time to go on a mission trip to another country. I could, I guess, blame age for my hesitancy and struggle with the matter of going to Sudan; but I am not sure it would have been any different had I been 40 years younger. I have debated with myself about writing of this struggle; but then I decided to go ahead. I don't want to forget how gracious God has been in all of this as He patiently brought me through the issues and excuses that I raised. I really want to dwell on the fact that He did not let me miss something that I would have regretted the rest of my life. Just thinking about getting bogged down in the issues of comfort and the uncertainty that I perceived in such a trip makes me uneasy. I don't know how close I came to the line of retreating. I am not sure I want to know. I also want to talk about this struggle because I believe others struggle with similar issues - issues like trying to be obedient on their own terms. Our pastor, Matt Chandler, had just talked about how we can easily try to offer substitute forms of obedience that are more to our liking. I was reminded, too, in all of this struggle generated by Geoff Ashley's question that I was wanting to choose the classroom or setting for God's work in my life. I can't deny that I was trying to find a more comfortable form and path of obedience toward what God wanted for my life. I am thankful God didn't let that happen. I am thankful that Geoff was persistent and cared enough to not let the matter drop.
I know that we do not choose the classroom or setting for learning the lessons that God has for us even though our human nature says "Try." It doesn't matter how long you have been a Christian or how old you are. That truth doesn't change. To say we are God's children means more than a relationship. It means that because we are His children He continues to work with us as a loving Father even if we are His "elder" children. Philippians 2:12-13 remains true for our lifetime as a Christian. "Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure." This whole Sudan episode has been one of those working out moments.
I realize, now, that God had already chosen the classroom for me "to work in me, both to will and to work for his good pleasure." It would be in a church compound in a remote area of Africa called Yei, Sudan, helping teach the multifaceted, foundational aspects of the gospel (which I, too, desperately needed to understand) to a group of joyful, happy, God loving and worshiping brothers and sisters in Christ - learning from them and worshiping with them and seeing the gospel at work in their lives and seeing people living for God's glory even it meant suffering for them. It would be in the many hours spent studying and preparing for the talks that I would be giving and in the coming together of a team of dedicated young men and one guy nearly 40 years their senior. It would be in sitting on an airplane and in an airport for nearly 35 hours coming and going wondering what your 72 year old body was experiencing in all of that. It turned out even that part wasn't bad. You were in God's hands and as my friend, Dr. Steve Glaser said when I was trying to decide to go, "Just think. What is the worse that could happen to you?" It would be in the supportive praying and encouraging words of a loving wife who saw before I did the need for me to go to on this trip to Africa. It would be in me seeing how she would handle things in my absence and how she, too, grew from this experience. It would be in the days of struggle leading up to the decision to go in faith, not fear and in fighting against retreating and being flat out disobedient. It would be in learning the importance of being credible to yourself and others. It was learning, to use the words from a favorite movie of mine, that you don't "tuck tail and run." I have learned much up to this point; but I know there is more for me to learn. I don't want anything to be lost to memory or have the passage of time blur the details of this unbelievable journey - so I am trying to carefully record as much as I can - even the stuff that isn't all that complimentary.
To fully appreciate all that was about to happen, I have had to go back and read the words from the unpublished, "I Went to the Woods, Part 2." I know those words were used by God to set the stage for what was about to happen. Here is what I wrote and left unpublished on May 23, 2009:
As I write these words today, I realize that God did know and in order to unfold all that in my life, He had to bring me to a very critical point in my journey. But as of May 23, 2009 or even up to the evening of June 17, 2009 and maybe for several weeks after that, I didn't have a clue how God was dealing with my life. I knew I had been shaken. I know that I had not faced up, as I should have, to the fact that He would work in my life on His terms and in His way. In fact I was so focused on me that I could not really see God in any of this at first. That explains a lot when it comes to the struggle that followed after Geoff Ashley asked me, "Do you want to go to Yei, Sudan?" At that point, my mind just froze on that question. In all that followed, God was about to give me a graceful reminder that I am the clay and He is the Potter. For that I am thankful because I would just make a mess of things.
Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®, copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Jerry Bridges & Bob Bevington, The Great Exchange, Crossway Books, 2007, p26.
On May 23, 2009 I posted the words contained in "I Went to the Woods." What I had written was too long so I decided to save the balance as part two. At least that was what I thought at the time. I believe now that God was going to let me face what I had written in a real life situation and begin to understand something of what that would mean in real life. In addition to those words, I had on a number of occasions made statements to my wife, Betty, to the effect that I did not want to "retire" when it came to my journey with God. I really felt that was an honest conviction about how I should live out my life in the "later" years as they are called. I had heard people say, "Well I have done my part. Now it is time for the younger folks." I really didn't want that to be true in my life. Words can just be words; but not with God. Sooner or later, I would be tested and stretched at this point.
We all face challenges when it comes to obedience and God has to expose areas in our lives - the rough places that require His attention as He shapes and molds us in to the image of Christ. I was about to find out that maybe I did enjoy a more comfortable role at this point in my life - that maybe my resolve was not as strong as I thought it was and that maybe until I was tested my convictions were not all that resolved. So in the writing that I had not posted, I was going to have to go beyond words. I had no idea that I had just written the prelude to what God was about to do in my life. I had just raised the issue - What does it mean to be the clay?
Within less than a month after I finished what would have been part two of "I Went to the Woods," Geoff Ashley, the Disciple Resource Pastor at our church, asked me a question that put the spotlight right on my heart. I think I had been walking in the shadows. In the course of an after dinner conversation on the evening of June 17, 2009, I had just made a statement about loving to teach. I was not expecting what followed when Geoff said, "Do you want to be part of a seven man team from The Village Church to travel to Yei, Sudan and teach a group of pastors?" As the football coach and commentator, John Madden would say, it was like "Bam!" In that moment I was being confronted with the fact that I did have a comfort zone. I had just been called out on my resolve. I had just been called out on the things I had written a few weeks earlier. This actually became clearer to me over the next few days. At first it was more of a sinking feeling. I wish I could say that I had been able to make the decision to go with great ease. I wish I could say that my initial reaction was one of thankfulness that I had been given an opportunity of a lifetime at this point in my life; and that I immediately said "Yes" out of a heart of gratitude and faith. That didn't happen immediately; but I did get to that point and that certainly is important. But, first, God had to do some things in my life. He had some work to do before I was ready. In looking back I have been disturbed about my hesitation but the more I have thought about it the more I have realized that even now, 63 years into my life as a Christian, God still is working in my life. That truth, in a greater sense, is refreshing. He hasn't put me on the shelf to gather dust. That is the kind of God He is - a loving and caring Father who wants more for His children than they often want for themselves. That can only be to His praise and glory. So, as regretful as I am in one sense that I didn't respond with immediate obedience, I am grateful that I can respond now with much gratitude for who He is and How He loves His struggling children. I had to write about this struggle and process that I was going to have to go through to reach the point where I was ready to say "Yes" with a heart of thankfulness. It is just one more example that we are moving toward the goal of the high calling and that we aren't there. It is exciting to know that God is not finished with you - that He is still molding and shaping - that you are still blessed to be clay in His hands and as the song goes - to realize that He doesn't throw the clay away. He lovingly and patiently walks you through the process of obedience as He chisels away from your life to bring you to completeness. I can say, as many can, that if you stay the course, it is, in a sense, like Isaiah wrote in Isaiah 29:17. "Is it not yet a very little while until Lebanon shall be turned into a fruitful field, and the fruitful field shall be regarded as a forest" and in Isaiah 29:19, "the meek shall obtain fresh joy in the Lord..." That is worth pushing ahead for - a fruitful field, a forest, and fresh joy. That is worth the experiencing the shaping hand of God.
As you read what would have been part two of "I Went to the Woods," you will see that I made a number of statements concerning my journey with God and what I desired for my life in the days ahead. I had previously dotted the roadside of my journey with statements to the effect that it was past my time to go on a mission trip to another country. I could, I guess, blame age for my hesitancy and struggle with the matter of going to Sudan; but I am not sure it would have been any different had I been 40 years younger. I have debated with myself about writing of this struggle; but then I decided to go ahead. I don't want to forget how gracious God has been in all of this as He patiently brought me through the issues and excuses that I raised. I really want to dwell on the fact that He did not let me miss something that I would have regretted the rest of my life. Just thinking about getting bogged down in the issues of comfort and the uncertainty that I perceived in such a trip makes me uneasy. I don't know how close I came to the line of retreating. I am not sure I want to know. I also want to talk about this struggle because I believe others struggle with similar issues - issues like trying to be obedient on their own terms. Our pastor, Matt Chandler, had just talked about how we can easily try to offer substitute forms of obedience that are more to our liking. I was reminded, too, in all of this struggle generated by Geoff Ashley's question that I was wanting to choose the classroom or setting for God's work in my life. I can't deny that I was trying to find a more comfortable form and path of obedience toward what God wanted for my life. I am thankful God didn't let that happen. I am thankful that Geoff was persistent and cared enough to not let the matter drop.
I know that we do not choose the classroom or setting for learning the lessons that God has for us even though our human nature says "Try." It doesn't matter how long you have been a Christian or how old you are. That truth doesn't change. To say we are God's children means more than a relationship. It means that because we are His children He continues to work with us as a loving Father even if we are His "elder" children. Philippians 2:12-13 remains true for our lifetime as a Christian. "Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure." This whole Sudan episode has been one of those working out moments.
I realize, now, that God had already chosen the classroom for me "to work in me, both to will and to work for his good pleasure." It would be in a church compound in a remote area of Africa called Yei, Sudan, helping teach the multifaceted, foundational aspects of the gospel (which I, too, desperately needed to understand) to a group of joyful, happy, God loving and worshiping brothers and sisters in Christ - learning from them and worshiping with them and seeing the gospel at work in their lives and seeing people living for God's glory even it meant suffering for them. It would be in the many hours spent studying and preparing for the talks that I would be giving and in the coming together of a team of dedicated young men and one guy nearly 40 years their senior. It would be in sitting on an airplane and in an airport for nearly 35 hours coming and going wondering what your 72 year old body was experiencing in all of that. It turned out even that part wasn't bad. You were in God's hands and as my friend, Dr. Steve Glaser said when I was trying to decide to go, "Just think. What is the worse that could happen to you?" It would be in the supportive praying and encouraging words of a loving wife who saw before I did the need for me to go to on this trip to Africa. It would be in me seeing how she would handle things in my absence and how she, too, grew from this experience. It would be in the days of struggle leading up to the decision to go in faith, not fear and in fighting against retreating and being flat out disobedient. It would be in learning the importance of being credible to yourself and others. It was learning, to use the words from a favorite movie of mine, that you don't "tuck tail and run." I have learned much up to this point; but I know there is more for me to learn. I don't want anything to be lost to memory or have the passage of time blur the details of this unbelievable journey - so I am trying to carefully record as much as I can - even the stuff that isn't all that complimentary.
To fully appreciate all that was about to happen, I have had to go back and read the words from the unpublished, "I Went to the Woods, Part 2." I know those words were used by God to set the stage for what was about to happen. Here is what I wrote and left unpublished on May 23, 2009:
I was privileged over the years to study God's Word and to pass the truth of God's Word on to others. That, however, did not always leave my heart full. Instead of taking my life deeper into the heart of God and bringing fresh communion with the Lord, those efforts, for the most part, were resulting in width - not depth. A little over two years ago when we moved to the North Texas area and became members of The Village Church, I found myself living in the shallows. I had retired after nearly 50 years of work (though I was still working some). I had just given up teaching, in our former church, a group of men and women who meant and still mean a great deal to me and my wife. That experience had been a real blessing to us. We would later realize that God had used that opportunity to prepare us for what He had for us here, as Paul said in Acts 17:26 in the "boundaries of our new dwelling" which He had "allotted to us." We just don't waltz around on our own. But even though we knew that God had brought us here and to The Village Church and even though we were under great teaching of the gospel, something was affecting the strength of grace in my life. With every passing day I was becoming more concerned about how I would finish the course of my journey. And then somethings began to happen in my life which in itself is another story. The path started to become clearer. The light started to shine a little brighter."As I write these words, I know that for me to go on and not live in mediocrity, the gospel had to somehow consume and dominate my life.I am ready for Christ's life to be a continuous, ever increasing refreshing drink to my thirsty soul. I want to experience in a new and deeper way what it means to live on the basis of seeing Him crucified, exalted and glorified. I just don't know at this point how that is going to happen.
[Jerry Bridges and Bob Bevington expressed the important of this in their book, The Great Exchange. They wrote "Many believers view the gospel only as a message to be shared with unbelievers but not personally applicable to themselves anymore...We need the gospel as well. We need it to remind ourselves that our day-to-day standing with God is based on Christ's righteousness, not our performance. We need the gospel to motivate us to strive in our daily experience to be what we are in our standing before God. We need it to produce joy in our lives when we encounter the inevitable trials of living in a fallen and sin-cursed world."] [Discovered later as a result of preparing for this trip]
Jesus Christ has to be my passion and priority. I have to let Him define my life. I have to treasure the sight of His glory by faith. I have to have a Holy Spirit led life of obedience. Christ, through the Holy Spirit, has to stir up grace in me. The words of 2 Corinthians 3:18 has to become consistently true in my life. "And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit." My mind must be continually transformed. My vision of the glory of the Lord has to become clearer. And I have to find out how all this can happen. I realize that I have too much to live for and enjoy. I have a blessed marriage of shared dreams and hopes, a wonderful family and friends. I am in good health. I have a great place to worship and learn. On the list could go. I want my life to be one of gratitude. I know for this to happen that the light of faith must grow brighter and I must live in light of the truth expressed by Paul in Philippians 3:9. "...and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—" This truth is going to have to dominate my life. But I am apprehensive. I am not sure what all this will mean or in what direction God will take my life. Maybe I am concerned about whether I can meet the tests.
I know that I have been held captive much of my lifetime as a Christian by efforts to live in a righteousness of my own. I know that must change if I am to go on. I didn't wish that for my life. The words Paul wrote in Philippians 3:7-11 are very familiar to me. I know that in those words there is freedom to live. But what lies on the other side of those words causes me concern. I don't know what this desire will mean for me. Am I ready for this to happen? Am I sufficient for that kind of living? Where will this take me?
I left the baptismal services in August 1946 following the public statement of my faith in Christ and embarked on a journey that so many in my time would take. For years to come, the gospel served as my entry point into salvation. My understanding of the gospel was that it was primarily for the unsaved. [I had yet not read the words from "The Great Exchange" quoted above when I was writing this]. That left me beginning the journey with an understanding that the Christian life was one of trying to live a good life.
I have discovered that this approach to the Christian life will express itself in basically one or two ways. There will either be loathing of self because you can't live up to the standards or there will be pride because you think you have lived up to the standards. In that world, whether you are smug or crushed depends on how high the standards are set. I heard about religious living - about what to do and not to do. I never heard about the on-going importance and relevance of the gospel to my life as a Christian. I have heard about this truth in the last two and half years. But until then I never paid attention to the fact that much of the preaching of the gospel in Scripture was to the saved. That would, hopefully, have told me something. In what have been a life long approach to my new life in Christ, I came down most of the time on the side of being crushed and having a gut wrenching sense that I could never consistently measure up. I constantly battled fears of uncertainty. They still rise up at times in different ways than about my salvation. The thoughts of God's wrath were terrifying at times. As a result of this limited view or understanding, I was constantly asking God to "restore the joy of my salvation."
I have struggled greatly at times with understanding my acceptance by God but during the last few years something started happening in my life. Once I became clear about the correct order of the new birth and faith and began to face the realities of God's sovereignty in my salvation, I was able to think more and more about the awesome nature of Christ's death on the cross and what He did. I believe that the more I can focus on what Christ did on His cross and for whose glory He did it the more my perspective will change - the stronger I will grow - the more assured my steps will be. I am seeing evidence of that and I know I have a long way to go. I have got to learn, with God's help, to stand on the ground of Christ death on the cross in its true meaning. Yet, even now, I know that the truth of all that happened on the cross must still grip my life even more and I have to clearly see what and Who is mine by faith.
As I write these words today, I realize that God did know and in order to unfold all that in my life, He had to bring me to a very critical point in my journey. But as of May 23, 2009 or even up to the evening of June 17, 2009 and maybe for several weeks after that, I didn't have a clue how God was dealing with my life. I knew I had been shaken. I know that I had not faced up, as I should have, to the fact that He would work in my life on His terms and in His way. In fact I was so focused on me that I could not really see God in any of this at first. That explains a lot when it comes to the struggle that followed after Geoff Ashley asked me, "Do you want to go to Yei, Sudan?" At that point, my mind just froze on that question. In all that followed, God was about to give me a graceful reminder that I am the clay and He is the Potter. For that I am thankful because I would just make a mess of things.
Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®, copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Jerry Bridges & Bob Bevington, The Great Exchange, Crossway Books, 2007, p26.
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